Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world

19-JAN-2011 05:25
 
Had a dream about Carrie.  The most insidious thing about it was that it wasn't romantic at all; it was just her wondering what I was up to.  She was still engaged; my unconsciousness did not deny her that.

I'm torn between writing this and remembering it, or just letting it fade.  I will take the middle ground, and just leave only that vague description for my future self.

In the swirling, curling storm of desire
Unuttered words hold fast
With reptile tongue, the lightning lashes
Towers built to last
Darkness creeps in like a thief
And offers no relief
Why are you shaking like a leaf?
Come on; come talk to me
« Peter Gabriel, "Come Talk to Me" »

Shit, I just had to check what I last wrote about.  Two back-to-back entries about Carrie, separated by over two years.  I swear, it's not like I think about her daily; I'm just trying to get back into writing things.

Seems that she disappeared without a trace
Did she ever marry old what's-his-face?
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and took a different path
I remember the face, but I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how Whatsername has been
« Green Day, "Whatsername" »

It's actually the opposite with me.  I often remember names, but cannot for the life of me remember faces.  And you are...?  Oh, right, I met you at so-and-so's, when you were with $person.

I blame this dream on my Taiwanese coworkers' love of the beer.  I have not gotten nostalgically drunk in a while.  Though, I can recall getting maudlin on New Year's Eve: told Jon that while I kick myself for going to WPI, I'm glad I went to a school close enough to hang out with him often.

And now it's 0600.  Back to bed for a bit.

They say, in Heaven, love comes first.

29-JAN-2011 09:56
 
Today I woke up
More awake than I have felt in years
Not concerned with anything
No tears
I'm done with that shit
« Alkaline Trio, "This Is Getting Over You" »

Boardgaming last night ran late. It was 0600 before I was in bed and asleep.  And then I had a very good dream.  The details I remember, though they're inconsequential to this.

I've never been able to nap.  I go to sleep, I'm out for hours.  If I wake up or have to wake up earlier, I'm groggy and useless until the interest is paid.

What was strange today was that I woke up after this long dream, expecting to turn and see it was 1500 or later in the afternoon.  After all, I'd been awake for over twenty-four hours previous.

It was just after 0900.

In a bit, I will consult the googles regarding quality of dreams and well-rested-ness.  And no, I do not think I will be "binging" it.

"Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?"
"Gee, it's easy."
« Lloyd Dobler and Constance Dobler, Say Anything »

I still wouldn't say that, in the real world, I am happy.  I figure it's because, on some level, I didn't want to be.  I'd whine about it, sure.  A whole fucking lot, just going through this site.  I thought there was a certain nobility in unhappiness.  Damned Catholic upbringing.

Suffering doesn't automatically make you a hero.
« James Sterling, Leverage, "The Two-Horse Job" »

I got logged out from inactivity while submitting, and I'm constructing this from memory. This part here, lost quite a bit. I really don't remember where I went.

Suffice it to say, I have changed my mind.

Perhaps it was hanging out with kids half my age at the gaming store.  Or the old guys twice my age.  Or talking about humanism with someone whose day job is teaching history.  Or watching The Golden Compass for the umpteenth time because TNT wants to make the most of their investment.  Or being told by Lacy that I am no longer in my mid-20s; I am in my late-20s.

Fuck a Republic of Heaven. We know I'm far too selfish for that. No, instead, an Independent State of Heaven.  Eh, still somewhat grandiose.  A Backyard of Heaven.  And I will be its queen.

Er, king.  King.