11·03·01 Late Night

03-NOV-2001 22:00
 
Resting (for the most part) close to the surface of the unconscious are those personal attributes and elements of experience which have been excluded from the ego, usually because of parental and societal disapproval. These elements are known as the shadow, and they tend to be projected on less favored individuals and groups. While in general these qualities are negative ones, the shadow may also contain positive aspects which the individual has been unable to own. Typical of the latter are qualities disparaged by the individual's family and/or peers with labels such as "unmanly," "unfeminine," "weak," or "childish."
« An Introduction to Jung and Analytical Psychology »

I was thinking about the shadow recently. This was sparked by the comic I posted here, which came from Avalon [though you'd have known that if you'd clicked it]. So what is it that annoys me about people? Off the top of my head... messiness, immaturity, religion, optimism...

Messiness and immaturity are clearly aspects of myself that I don't like. I'm definitely immature right now. And since I don't think I aspire to messiness, it isn't a "positive aspect I've been unable to own". With messiness, one glance at my desk is evidence enough. There's crap scattered all over it; it's near impossible to find anything. Yeah, I know I annoy myself with that one. But it's a battle between keeping order and laziness. Laziness wins, hands down. I sort of enjoy my immaturity, though, as well as the immaturity of others. Sometimes. Sometimes I find it damned annoying. I think I might like to grow up a little bit more... but not all the way.

When you grow up, your heart dies.
« Allison Reynolds (Ally Sheedy), The Breakfast Club »

Religion and optimism... are they hidden aspects of myself that I'm not proud of? Or are they aspects which I desire and haven't been able to "own"? I look at the world and it's hard to be optimistic. The human race is, on the whole, ignorant. We deserve extinction. I don't really consider myself optimistic, for the most part. But I guess everyone has to be a little optimistic, just to stay alive. Perhaps I use pessimism and cynicism as a shield from the harshness of reality. A very likely possibility. But optimism scares me. You only open yourself to [emotional] injury by having high hopes. Maybe I just need a life-changing experience. Or just an opinion-changing one.

This's been an uncomfortable amount of self-analysis for me. So I think I'll stop there.

When I step outside myself, kind of, and when I, when I look in at myself, you know?  And I see me, and I don't like what I see, I really don't.
« Brian Johnson (Anthony Michael Hall), The Breakfast Club »

How true that is.

11·07·01 Night

07-NOV-2001 19:00
 
I saw the stars fall from the sky
And watched the tail lights fade away
As the sun began to witness a new day
I drove five hundred thousand miles
To find a world unlike my own
And now, middle of nowhere seems like my home...
« The Ataris, "My Hotel Year" »

Tonight I watched Monthy Python And The Holy Grail with some people I know [and some people they know... damnit, couples depress me]. And wow. How can I say this... That movie sucked hard. Perhaps it's because everyone built it up to be the end-all, be-all of comedy. But, man, did it suck.

So. What else is new... I started hanging out with Lindsay again. Hadn't talked to her in a long while. This is probably due to the fact that neither of us is really one to start a conversation. For the past couple of nights we've hung out until well after midnight. Which is nice. I missed her. She and I are in a similar mindset. Does that make sense? I'll try to explain. We both feel lonely, and we both hate it. In fact, we ticked off the things we hate. These lists included things such as classes, couples, people in groups [i.e., cliques]... It's more of an envy thing with people, though. Ties into the loneliness thing. Yeah. I definitely missed talking to her.

I can see it in my mind
I can see it in their eyes
It's close enough to touch it now
But far away enough to die...
« Saliva, "Click Click Boom" »

Though, I guess it's better that I don't have a girlfriend. I'd just make her miserable in the end. And myself. No. I just need friends. Badly. And soon.

5pm traffic
A pistol in my pocket
Outside, it is raining
I gotta keep from fading...
« D Generation, "Sick On The Radio" »

11·09·01 Very Early Morning

09-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Tonight I juggled a bunch of IM windows. People talked to me. And I felt loved. Of course, it's still sad that I'm sitting at my computer every night. But people care. Well, I did know people cared. Like Jon and Lacy. But they're far away and not here when I'm bored and want to go out and go something. Still. It was a definite pick-me-up.

11·09·01 Later That Very Early Morning

09-NOV-2001 00:15
 
But then I was reminded of how I'm alone. I'm going to bed.

11·11·01 Very Early Morning

11-NOV-2001 00:00
 
All my friends and lovers
Will leave me alone
To try to have a little fun...
« Counting Crows, "All My Friends" »

Today [or yesterday... whatever, I'm talkin' about Saturday] sucked. I woke up at eleven am. And that's way too early for any day, even worse on a weekend. And I check my messages. I got seven from Lindsay, telling me to wake up at get to work, and not leave her alone with Dan and Jake. Which she wouldn't have been. So I get up, shower, etc., get over there. She's nowhere to be found. Damn. That was disappointing. So I help set up with Lens 'N' Lights people, and sort of help the WWPI people too. When there was a lull in activity, I left to go find Lindsay.

And where was she? Asleep. Apparently her date ran a tad late. [Until 10am. Hearing that was kind of... the exact opposite of a pick-me-up.] So she was tired. She'd IMed me to wake up, then went to bed. I didn't make her come with me, but she did. We returned, and were bored. And were bored some more... yep. Then Justin [her boy] showed up. So I went and hung with the other security people... and that was at least better than hanging around where I was. I am really beginning to not like couples. Hearing about them, talking to them while they're together, or seeing them... what have you. A while later Lindsay and Justin left. So I sat around some more. And some more. Played a little cards. Chatted about cute girls with other security guys. Won a DVD player. Helped take down the equipment.

I was supposed to go drinking with these guys from LnL. I was to go back to my place to drop the DVD player, then they'd come by before heading out. That was an hour ago. They're not coming. I am pissed. And depressed. And I need alcohol badly. And that I'm not getting any alcohol makes me more pissed.

Do you remember in elementary school, when everyone started having hormones and people paired off? Were you one of the ones left alone? If you weren't, then don't talk to me. It sucked. Hard. I hate it when history repeats.

11·11·01 Early Afternoon

11-NOV-2001 13:00
 
Ever have to cauterize your own wounds?

11·13·01 Very Early Morning

13-NOV-2001 00:00
 
girls are wonderful when they are not crying, about to cry, or involving in any activity in which crying might happen.
« p2, Girls Suck »

It's very heart-warming to feel needed.

11·13·01 Dusk

13-NOV-2001 17:00
 
And when girls are crying... they're just so cute.

11·14·01 Very Early Morning

14-NOV-2001 00:00
 
I do not deserve to live,
But for some reason you say I must
Why I ask, so I can only make things worse
So that the next time I open my mouth you can watch me
Falling so hard that I begin to crack
« Jonathan Stone »

11·14·01 Pre-Dawn

14-NOV-2001 03:00
 
I'm going to respond in kind [i.e., in a non-personal way] to a message I took to be written to/about me. This was the message:

To all of you who I once thought I loved, but who never told me anything real, and even now won't talk to me: You are not my friends.  I'm sorry I spent so much time worrying about you.
« Kate Farb-Johnson »

And my response:

We were never really friends before we started dating. And now it's clear we're totally different people in such aspects as philosophy and what we want in life. We couldn't even talk to each other without an argument ensuing.

Come to think of it, you never could stand someone not totally agreeing with you. And if someone held fast to their opinion, you'd flee. Well... that's not entirely true... you might write them a note and slip it under their door. Or, in my case, write something scathing about the "living dead" and post it on your site.

So, anyway, how could it possibly be a good idea to remain friends? It's "unfortunate" that you spent so much time worrying about me. But to repeat something I said to you five months ago: "In true living dead fashion, I won't let it get to me."

Someone needs to devise a metaphorical elephant gun to shoot those damned high horses out from under people.

11·16·01 Very Early Morning

16-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Sway: "What do you think is more exciting, having sex or stealing cars?"
Memphis: "Having sex, or boosting cars. Um. Well, uh. How about, um, having sex while boosting cars?"
Sway: "Oh, that's a good line. Doesn't work on a lot of girls, though."
Memphis: "I, I just blurted it out. I'm sorry."
« Sway and Memphis, Gone In Sixty Seconds »

Tonight was fun. I'll be brief. Lindsay and I hung out, played some cards, shot a little pool, and committed some theft. It was fuckin' awesome.

11·16·01 Pre-Dawn

16-NOV-2001 03:00
 
There's something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
Like suddenly something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing
« Incubus, "Echo" »

There's this girl. I've been seeing her around campus quite a bit. First time of significance was at the WWPI meeting for Novemberfest security. She was the only girl on the security staff [aside from Katrina, but she's a WWPI exec]. And of course, I saw her during Novemberfest itself. She didn't really do anything. But then again, neither did I. Security was, on the whole, damned useless. But she was just so cute. [Insert sigh here.]

I guess you can see where this is going. ... No, I am not stalking her. But today [or rather, yesterday], when a friend of Dale's from high school came to visit him, we [the visitor, Dale, Chad, and myself] went to the dining hall. And there she was. When I saw her, there was a moment of eye contact. ... I think I freaked her out. I just couldn't stop staring at her. And she caught me a couple of times. But I can't read people's emotions on sight; she could have been reciprocating [not bloody likely]. So I'm guessing I freaked her out.

I was late to my one o'clock class because I saw her again on my way. I don't think she saw me this time. She was walking... then, all of a sudden, bolted toward some guy. So... I guess she's dating him. Yeah. I'm a defeatist. But yet, I stood there in the parking lot and watched. I can not stop looking at this girl.

I know it's bad that I'm so obsessed with this girl without ever having talked to her. So my obsession is primarily based on appearance. I could hate her personality, for all I know. It's not exactly a rare occurrence. I don't get along well with most people. Worst yet, I don't even know her name. Looking at the list of WWPI DJs, I've narrowed it to: Erica Abrahamsen, Kerry Lee Anderson, Kate Mirtle, or Catherine Raposa. Does anyone know her? She's kind of short [5'2" to 5'4", I'm guessing], dark hair with highlights, kinda tan... I know it's vague, but I'm pretty bad at describing people, too. But if you can help me narrow down who exactly it is I've got this crush on, I'd be much obliged.

11·17·01 Pre-Dawn

17-NOV-2001 03:00
 
Striking like a bird of prey along your notepad, now
The only ear that turns your way
My dear diary, it's just you and me tonight
You don't love me, aren't thinking of me
You don't love me, aren't thinking of me tonight
Why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive?
« Jets To Brazil, "Starry Configurations" »

11·17·01 Night

17-NOV-2001 19:00
 
I said, you know me, I'm not the one
Waiting on your setting sun
You know me, like everyone
To be someone, not anyone...
« D Generation, "Disclaimer" »

Yep, it's very heart-warming indeed to feel needed. But it makes you feel like complete shit when you're not.

Felt like one of those proverbial extra wheels with some people just now. So I left. And I'm sure none of them knows me well enough, or cares enough, to pursue.

11·18·01 Very Early Morning

18-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Sometimes it sucks to be right.

11·18·01 Dawn

18-NOV-2001 05:00
 
How can you tell someone not to give up on you, without sounding pathetic? Or rather, how can one do so without sounding more pathetic than they already know you are?

11·18·01 Late Night

18-NOV-2001 22:00
 
{img} But even though I kept pushing you away...  I liked it when you kept coming back.  It was something I could hold on to.  After Deirdre came home, and you stopped coming back to me...  ...  There was just nothing left.

11·19·01 Very Early Morning

19-NOV-2001 00:00
 
To see you cuts me like a knife...
« Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" »

11·19·01 Pre-Dawn

19-NOV-2001 03:00
 
This isn't a for-real suicide thing. This is probably one of those cry-for-help things.
« Marla Singer, Fight Club »

Some people may find me more cold, depressed, and distant than usual. And I am. But it's not because I want to be alone. Just the opposite. I feel lonely. I feel people slipping away from me, and I don't know how to deal. And why do I type this out here instead of talking about it? Because I can't talk about these things to people's faces. Sometimes I can barely stand knowing someone's looking at me. [This is somehow related to why eyes fascinate me, I think.] Besides, the people to whom I really need to say this never really read this site anyway. So, this is rather pointless as a cry for help. I guess it's just a vent, then. A pointless vent. And I'll stay cold. And depressed. And distant. And I'll lose people. Because I did nothing to keep them.

... Aw, fuck.

11·19·01 Noon

19-NOV-2001 12:00
 
Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end
You'll soon find
We're out of time left to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing
      Why I never walked away
      Why I played myself this way
      Now I see
      Your testing me
      Pushes me away
« Linkin Park, "Pushing Me Away" »

11·20·01 Very Early Morning

20-NOV-2001 00:00
 
I'm gonna fly you away, high above the noise and competition. Yeah, I'm a man with a mission...
« Bad Religion, "Man With A Mission" »

Now, I'm usually not a very... nice person. Most of the time I'm apathetic. And when I'm not apathetic, I'm usually sadistic or caustic. But sometimes, being nice is good. Worth it, just for that brief smile, or the O of pleasant surprise. It's so very worth it... Sigh. [That's a happy, pleased sigh.]

Am I schizophrenic? Do I have mood swings? Or am I just paranoid? Or is it just that I get lulled into complacency too easily...

11·20·01 Later That Very Early Morning

20-NOV-2001 00:15
 
I can't help this longing
Comfort me
I can't hold it all in
If you won't let me
      Heaven holds a sense of wonder
      And I wanted to believe
      That I'd get caught up
      When the rage in me subsides...
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
      In this white wave
      In this silence
      I believe...
« Delerium and Sarah McLachlan, "Silence" »

11·21·01 Very Early Morning

21-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Another lonely seaside town
Where the season's closed it down
But if you close your eyes
You can almost hear the sounds of crowds gone by...
« The Ataris, "If You Really Want To Hear About It..." »

I'm back in Jersey for Thanksgiving break. So far, home sucks. But that's to be expected. Soon people will be home, and it'll be more fun. But for now, all I've got is late night network TV. Ugh. Dating shows and Springer. And let's not forget the informercials.

11·21·01 Pre-Dawn

21-NOV-2001 03:00
 
{img} Go talk to her, Joe.  Come on, talk to Ceilidh.  Joe, talk to her.  Joe.  Come on man, talk to her.  *sip*  If you weren't me, Joe, I'd have beaten the snot out of you by now.

I saw her twice again today, or rather, yesterday. Tuesday. And if you don't know who I'm talking about, read down a bit more. 11·16·01 Pre-Dawn, to be specific.

First time today I was leaving MA2431 [Mathematical Modeling with Ordinary Different Equations], walking down from the third floor of Stratton Hall. Something felt odd, so I turned around in the middle of the stairway, and she's there. Kind of blankly staring at me the way I imagine anyone would, if the person walking down the stairs in front of them suddenly turned and stared at them. I don't know how long I stood there, but eventually I kept walking. Once I got to the bottom, I started for the door. I turned again and she was gone. Freaky.

Second time was just before I left Worcester. I was by the door to the stairs of Morgan Hall, gawking at Lindsay. Lindsay was wearing a dress, a rare sight. Of course, it'd happened thrice in the last few days. But it was the first time I'd seen her in a dress. She looked good. Yeah, but anyway. We're standing by the door to the stairs. And I hear someone walk up behind me and use the callbox. Out of curiosity, I turn. It's her again. I stare for a second. I hit Lindsay and gesture. I don't think she [she, not Lindsay] looked at me, but since I was frantic and about two feet away from her, I'm sure she noticed. But she went up to the third floor, came down with Bo-bo [a guy I know from the local Counter-Strike games and hung out with a few times]. They left. I don't know... but once again, I'll assume she's dating him. I'll ask Bo what her name is, if I remember to once I'm back on the LAN.

People keep telling me to talk to her. And I know I should. This amount of obsession isn't healthy. But I don't even know what I'd talk to her about. "Uh, yeah, I see you around campus a lot. What's your name?" I suppose both being DJs for the radio station would be some kind of starting point. But I don't even know about that; I'm not deeply involved in the station. Damn my lack of conversational skills.

11·22·01 Very Early Morning

22-NOV-2001 00:00
 
But there's snow on your cheek
And the light's getting weak
Don't you think we should turn around
Yeah, the wind's coming up
And I know that you're tough
It's a long way into town...
« Superchunk, "Pink Clouds" »

I was listening to that song, and I had a daydream. [Well, at 2am, I suppose it's just a normal dream, but I'm conscious. As far as I know, anyway.] Not an uncommon occurence. I was there, and she was there. And there was snow, don't you know. [I'm not trying to rhyme, I swear.] And she was kinda red-cheeked and cuter than usual. I touched her cheek and she smiled. And shivered slightly. Which was even more cute, if that's possible.

It's Thursday. Thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? My imagination. Sometimes I can take solace in it.

11·22·01 Pre-Dawn

22-NOV-2001 03:00
 
I need a chance
A second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance
A word, a signal, a nod, a little breath
Just to fool myself
Catch myself, to make it real...
« R.E.M., "Strange Currencies" »

So I think I've determined that, after break, I will talk to this girl. If I can think of something to say. Says Lindsay: "i would start with 'hello' and then go from there... or perhaps, 'hi' or 'hey'" A good idea. Except when I picture the situation in my mind, I somehow get her attention, and stand there frozen, choking on a simple greeting. And that's assuming I get her attention. What am I to do? Gesture? Tap her shoulder? The thought of making physical contact makes me all aflush.

Shit. I so haven't thought this out.

11·23·01 Very Early Morning

23-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No, boy, don't speak now, you just drive
Drive
Drive, take me through, make me feel alive
Alive
« Bic Runga, "Drive" »

So I had another dream, lying in bed just now. I saw a Chevrolet ad, the one that shows off their current lineup of cars. For some reason, I like the Impala. But not the recent one. The old-ass Impala, the kind that the orange Nickelodeon car was back in the day. That thing was fuckin' sweet. The dream was essentially me and the object of my obsession out for a drive in the rain. It was almost enough to make me want to get my license.

Yeah. At the moment I have neither permit nor license, though I'm old enough. So why haven't I undergone this rite of passage that most teens jump at? Driving scares me. I'm afraid that I'll get in the car, floor it, smash into a brick wall or a tree or something. Or I'll go really easy on the gas and be honked and yelled at by other drivers. Or that I'll break a car some other way, by shifting when I'm not supposed to or parking the wrong way on a hill... Yeah. I'm a tad paranoid. A tad.

Too hard on the brakes again
What if these brakes just give in
What if the car loses control
What if there's someone 'round the corner
I'm going out for a little drive
It could be the last time you see me alive
There could be an idiot on the road
The only kick in his life is pumping his steel
« Radiohead, "Killer Cars" [live in Holland] »

Of course, there is also the fact that I'm almost 18 and I need state-issued or military ID to buy cigarettes.

11·24·01 Very Early Morning

24-NOV-2001 00:00
 
There's a lot on my mind
So I guess that I'll take it one thing at a time
Still, sometimes I can't help but wonder why
I sit around all day
And I waste my whole damned life away
Still thinkin' 'bout just what there is to say
« The Ataris, "Make It Last" »

11·24·01 Pre-Dawn

24-NOV-2001 03:00
 
I serve my head up on a plate
It's only comfort, calling late
'Cause there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you
« Placebo, "Every Me Every You" »

11·25·01 Very Early Morning

25-NOV-2001 00:00
 
No, this ain't no hard luck story
Some have had better, and some have had worse
Then again, until you've walked my way
You'd have to say I've led a charmed life
« Mike Ness, "Charmed Life" »

11·25·01 Later That Very Early Morning

25-NOV-2001 00:15
 
One more silent victory
Victory...
« Living End, "Silent Victory" »

Last night in New Jersey. Hung out with people here. It was mostly fun. And the parts that weren't... well... sometimes a little salt is good for a wound.

Forgetting erases the black mark from your soul, but makes you more prone to receiving the same mark again. Learning allows the mark to heal, with a scar, a reminder so that you may learn from what you did.
« Brian Spurling »

I'm going to go lie in bed, and ponder the lessons my scars have imparted upon me. And I'll continue to think about whether more harm than help would be done by acting on my obsession. Speaking of which, thanks to everyone who's given me advice.

And I've been having doubts about talking to her... but not out of nervousness. I've been thinking of a particular passage of Burning Chrome by William Gibson. But since my copy's about two hundred miles away, I'm unable to quote it at the moment.

11·25·01 Early Afternoon

25-NOV-2001 13:00
 
I'm back in Worcester, with my crate o' books. So here it is:

[...] Rikki had turned up just when he needed something to get him going, something to aim for. So he'd set her up as a symbol for everything he wanted and couldn't have, everything he'd had and couldn't keep.
« Burning Chrome, by William Gibson »

I've built her up in my mind so much, I wonder if it'd even be right, or fair to her, to say anything.

11·26·01 Morning

26-NOV-2001 09:00
 
We'll roll on with our heads held high
Our conscience in the gutter
Our dreams up in the sky
« Living End, "Roll On" »

So I'm going to talk to her. Today, at 1:50. When I come out of MA2431. Because I'm pretty sure she's got a class near there around then. I'll start with "Hi", and wonder about when her radio show is. And then, I will choke. Metaphorically, I mean.

Show me what your heart is made of
Show me what I need to feel
« Tonic, "Sugar" »

... If you're religious, pray for me.

11·26·01 Later That Morning

26-NOV-2001 09:15
 
Okay. Scratch that plan. I'm not going to talk to her today. I need to think about this some more. So, all of you who'd placed their money on me backing out, collect your winnings.

11·27·01 Morning

27-NOV-2001 09:00
 
Caught without people or drink, I don't know what else to think. But I'm going to grow wings, and sing, "Amen, I'm checking out."
« The Promise Ring, "Tell Everyone We're Dead" »

I am so going to fail PH2202 [Intermediate Mechanics II]. I was sitting here, trying to understand what the fuck we're covering. The chapter's called "Noninertial Systems and Fictitious Forces". Of course, I didn't understand the last two chapters we covered, "Angular Momentum and Fixed Axis Rotation" and "Rigid Body Motion". Damned rotation.

... Oh, lovely... I'm half an hour late to class. This class, in fact. Ah, fuck it.

Don't leave me sitting here
Don't take me for a ride
Freedom's just another drink, don't leave me hangin' dry
      Step right up and be a man
      On your knees and pray
      Freedom's just another open bottle, anyway
« Living End, "Carry Me Home" »

I need to get plastered tonight.

11·27·01 Later That Morning

27-NOV-2001 09:15
 
So... yeah... I got a little bored.

DisorderRating
Paranoid
Schizoid
Schizotypal
Antisocial
Borderline
Histrionic
Narcissistic
Avoidant
Dependent
Obsessive-Compulsive
Very High
Moderate
Very High
High
Very High
High
Very High
Very High
High
High
[ Click Here To Take The Test ]



{img} Under my skin I am really Roy Batty. 'Give me more life.'



{img} My size is... sturdy. I should be in the movies.



{img} Trench Coat Mafia

60% - 70%
[Trench Coat Mafia]

I'm angry, venomous, vitriolic, hurt and mentally unhinged. I know where dad keeps the guns and the list of those who're going to get it is not only long, but half the names have already been crossed off. I am not to be fucked with.



{img} If I were a horrible affliction I would be: syphilis.

Transmitted by direct contact with one of my infections [usually through unprotected sex], I'm one nasty STD! In my initial stages, I cause sores, usually on the genitals or in the rectum, but that's only the delicious beginning. Later on, I'll cause a rash, and then slip away ... but I won't be gone. No no, my friend. I'm far too cunning.

I'll still pass myself on to anyone the poor soul I've infected has sex with [anal, vaginal or oral], and I'll start to erode their muscles and nerves! In fact, I'll eventually lead, if left untreated, to malcoordination, blindness, paralysis, dementia and then death!

And that's not all - if I infect a pregnant woman, I'll also be passed to their child! A single shot of penicillin will kill me, but shhhhh... don't tell anyone.

Yep. Found them from a friend of a friend's livejournal. I think I could claim a first-degree relationship with her, though. I'm pretty sure she was in my karate class.

11·28·01 Very Early Morning

28-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Spin my head around
For a different view
You can't look straight ahead
To see what's in front of you
      If you jump track
      Thinkin' it's over
      Remember, sooner or later
      It's over your shoulder
« Seven Mary Three, "Over Your Shoulder" »

I hate being helpless. I hate seeing people I care about hurt. I hate knowing that if I wasn't so fucking inept, I might actually make them feel better instead of making them feel worse.

I saw Mr. Saturday Night while I was at home. And it kind of hit close to home, perhaps unintentionally. I saw Billy Crystal's character, Buddy, try to make people close to him laugh by insulting them jokingly. And I realized that's the sort of shit I do. And it's not exactly endearing. But it's all I know. Well, that or self-deprecating humor. And lately I've been going heavy on that, too.

So, needless to say
I'm odds and ends, but that's me
Stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is okay
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry
« A-Ha, "Take On Me" »

Shit. I went off on a tangent. Well, sort of. Oh. That was the inital point of this post. A few friends of mine are down. And with all of them, I pretty sure I know where they're coming from, but I don't know what to say. One friend's unhappy in a relationship, and I was in almost exactly his situation a while back. Same reasons. I just hope he handles it better than I did and the situation resolves better for him.

And another friend... well... I don't want to be presumptuous and be wrong and totally misunderstand and have her be mad at or upset with me. But I think, I theorize that she feels that she's losing people or she's about to. Because said people won't "tolerate" her anymore. ["Tolerate" wasn't used by her, but I'm putting it in quotes because I'm not sure if that's really the right word to describe what I'm talking about.] Well, I think I know what's she talking about, too. Like [I'm really reaching for the words, here]... sometimes I'm with people and I feel like I'm on the outside, and my presence is just unneeded... and you just talk about the past [sometimes dredging up memories from out of nowhere], because you believe reminding them of where you've been re-affirms the bond. Okay, maybe that's not what she means and I'm totally wrong. But I think I've just now put my finger on the reason why I do that. I re-affirm the bond because I want moments like the past to happen again in the future, because the present isn't doing it for me. Well... shit, I don't think that was helpful at all.

The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest.
« Calvin, Calvin And Hobbes »

Okay... she wonders why bother trying if shit happens anyway. Yes, shit happens. And Calvin's right, but not totally. There's a certain satisfaction when you help others. Self-interest may be alright, but if you have someone to share good times with, it's better. But the live-for-the-moment sentiment is golden. Perhaps "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" is closer to the mark. [It's such a common saying that I don't have a definite source. People I've seen it credited to include Shakespeare, Epicurus, Imhotep, and Paul [the apostle]. Anyone who suggests to me that the original source was Dave Matthews is a fucking moron.] But anyway, mostly have fun at all costs, with a certain amount of effort put into survival [in order to have more fun in the future] and altruism [so there's someone to have fun with]. I guess that's my aspiration. Do I make sense?

11·28·01 Pre-Dawn

28-NOV-2001 03:00
 
A sort of disclaimer:

All men aren't "potential rapists." I'm not a potential rapist.

But, I am a potential murderer if all of you don't shut the fuck up and get out of my face already.
« Drew Carey, Dirty Jokes And Beer »

I want to go back to the topic of my friend with the girlfriend problems...

"I learned something very valuable... Well, two things... One: I always want what I can't have... and never want what I can... Two: I'm turned on by girls in distress... emotionally... that I can help."

"I think a lot of guys feel that knight-in-shining-armor call."
« The aforementioned friend and myself »

Is it because of nature or nurture that guys are attracted to damsels in distress? Do we really have some kind of instinct to protect females, or is it something that we develop because society teaches us it should be so? Like I implied before, atruism is a noble cause. But why are we drawn to girls and women who need our help, then once we've helped and they're self-sufficient again, the attraction's gone?

I had a problem with this about a month and a half ago. I'd gone to a show late in the summer with some friends. And one of my friends almost got smothered during the stage rush. So we left the pit, and that was the beginning of my crush on her. Which was bad, because she was happily involved with someone already. I'd expected her to be already taken, so the disappointment wasn't great. But up until early October I was still holding onto a glimmer of hope that somehow, it'd work out with the two of us.

Mother fucker. I shouldn't write while under the influences. I never end up going anywhere. Of course, even when sober I don't really go anywhere. ... Sorry.

11·28·01 Later That Pre-Dawn

28-NOV-2001 03:15
 
Now we've travelled far
But are we any nearer
There's a feeling we're reaching for
In the fields where it all began
      Listen, do you hear
      I thought I heard a promise
      But that empty fear, it grows
      And I'm scared that I will forget
But I, I can remember
Look around and 'round
There's people still hangin' on...
« Texas, "Like Lovers (Holding On)" »

11·28·01 Early Evening

28-NOV-2001 07:00
 
{img} 'Dude, that pile of cans is getting gross.  You should really clean that up.'  'Bah!  It's not a pile of cans, it's 'La Tour de Pepsi-Cola'.'  'How long have you been letting that crap pile up in your room?'  'Oh, that's all from just this morning.'

Hehe... yeah, that's me.

11·29·01 Very Early Morning

29-NOV-2001 00:00
 
"Hmm."

"Eh?"

"You know, given enough time, I can logically explain to you why you feel drawn to damsels in distress."

"Well, if you ever have enough time, let me know."

"I could try. Doesn't mean you will agree with my logic."

"Perhaps I won't."

"Okay, everything you know about the world comes in through your senses, correct? Now, sometimes our senses lie, right? And, really, we have no way of knowing if our senses are really sensing anything real in the first place. Basically - there is no way we can know anything for sure outside our own heads. Since there is absolutely no way to really know how anyone else feels, then we really can only seek our own happiness. No one else's happiness really matters to us, because there's no way we can possibly feel it."

"I don't really agree."

"Why?"

"Certain other people's happiness affects mine."

"Yes, but only indirectly. You see them happy, you're happy. You don't even really know if they exist. I'm getting to that part, but I have to establish the base first. Okay, so, now, you know nothing about the world. But, we still know stuff about "the world", whatever the hell it is or isn't. This is stuff we get from our senses. We have a mental reflection of the world in our own heads that we get from our senses. So, basically, the world exists, if only in our own heads. First question is, why do we feel bad when bad stuff happens to us, good when good stuff happens to us?"

"Why?"

"We also have a reflection of ourselves in our head; call this our self-image. When we see bad things happen to our self-image, we interpret these as bad things happening to us, and we feel bad. Basically, we absorb emotion from our self-image. What we think it should feel because of what happened to it, we feel, because we think that's us. Okay, so we've got a self-image in our heads that we absorb emotion off of. Now, if we know of other people, then we must have a reflected image of other people in our heads, too. So... to take a simple example... why are we happy when we're, say, petting a kitten?"

"Because kittens are cute."

"Yes they are. Basically, we imagine ourselves to be them [in a very non-literal way]."

"Like, we're the ones getting petted/loved?"

"Yeah. Or, moreso, we see them purr, we know how that must feel... so we can feel it a little bit ourselves. Essentially... we're now absorbing emotion of of other people [and animals]."

"Other emotional beings."

"Yes. [Well, it can become more complex than that, but for the meantime... yes.] So... we can absorb happiness of our own self-image, and we can absorb happiness off of other's images in our heads. Now, we don't always know how to solve our own problems, or make ourselves happier. But we see other people who have problems that we do not, and we think we could make them happier. If we make them happier, then we can absorb that from them, and be happier ourselves. Essentially - be selfless for selfish reasons."

"But then why do girls seem less attractive once the help is done? Shouldn't the resultant happiness be what I was aiming for?"

"Are they really happier?"

"I don't know. Since I can't really know what they're thinking for sure, or even that they exist."

"That's right. I haven't really considered every individual problem, but I'm pretty sure it can work for everything. Once you solve their problems, they are not as happy as you imagined they would be. Now comes all the complex stuff. Most of what we see comes out of our senses, but it's affected by our mind. Like, if we think of something and get angry, even if it's not real. So - the refection of the world can be made up, too. You see someone you want to help, and you imagine how happy they will be when you help them. You absorb the imagined image's happiness. After you help them, you see they are not as happy as you imagined. Now you're absorbing happiness off of the reflected image and not the made up one. Plus, your self-image failed to make them happy... you still absorb that, too."

"Ouch."

"Heh. The real tricks are... once you learn the basic rules, you learn which parts you can bend. Essentially, the better you know something, the clearer the image is, and the better you can absorb emotion off of it. Which is why you're ususally prone to absorbing stuff from yourself.
      "Basic bending of the rules... First, and probably best, you can change your interpretations of things. Basically, change interpretations that make you feel bad to make you feel good. Like, say you have a terrible day and things keep going wrong. If you look at it in a comic sense, it becomes funny.  So, bad days are now funny. Yeah, it's not exactly easy. Better way, learn to accept things. Or, people, rather. Still very tough to do.
      "If you get to know people better, you can absorb emotion off of them better, and sometimes, you can steal their interpretations of things. Like, to take the example of someone you know, I talked to Lindsay a long time ago.  She likes rain.  I ask why, we have a conversation about it. Next time it rained after that, I think to myself, think of this they way Lindsay thinks of it. And, I started to enjoy the rain. I don't always enjoy rain... images can fade, and I didn't talk to Lindsay for a long time."

"Man, how could you not enjoy rain?"

"''Cause it gets you wet.' 'So why is that bad?' 'I don't like to be wet.' 'Why?' 'Because then your clothes have to be dried.' ... And so on. Basically, my reasons for anything make no more sense than anyone else's. I asked Lindsay why she liked rain, she responded 'It's beautiful.' I asked why, she said 'How could it not be?' She didn't have any real rational reason for it. But there doesn't need to be.
      "The other options - once you learn the basic rules, you can practice absorbing emotion from others [by sympathizing - they're smiling, I know how that feels]. Once you learn to do that - you don't always have to absorb from present images... you can absorb from the past if you remember something well enough. [We often do, actually.]
      "If you really want to stretch rules... you can absorb off of imaginary people too. Basically the idea behind an imaginary friend."

"Nah, my imaginary friends were jackasses. We don't talk anymore."

"Hehe - didn't say you absorbed good emotions off of them. But they're just as real as anyone else. Now, I'm not saying go talk to your new imaginary friend. But, you can do other things with it. Like, you want to change your interpretation of something. So, imagine that concept personified. And then justify their reasons. They ususally become your own. They don't have to exist as anything more than a concept, a character design, a name... whatever. Basically, become someone else."
« Jeffrey Bacon and myself »

11·29·01 Late Night

29-NOV-2001 22:00
 
I wish my life was non-stop Hollywood movie show
A fantasy world of celluloid villains and heroes
Because celluloid heroes never feel any pain
And celluloid heroes never really die
« The Kinks, "Celluloid Heroes" »

I like movies. I've been watching a lot this week. Since Tuesday night I've seen the following:
Clerks
Mallrats
Requiem For A Dream
American Beauty
Contact
Starship Troopers
Cube
The Princess Bride
    [2001 November 27, 2000]
[2001 November 28, 2000]
[2001 November 29, 0130]
[2001 November 29, 0330]
[2001 November 29, 0600]
[2001 November 29, 1800]
[2001 November 29, 2015]
[2001 November 29, 2200]

They're all worth seeing, though Clerks remains my all-time favorite movie [well, Clerks and Empire Strikes Back]. Most I'd seen before, and are always good. Two I saw for the first time. Requiem For A Dream is some fucked-up shit. Damned depressing. That's why I started watching more movies, to get out of the funk that Requiem left me in. Cube was certainly interesting, one of those Lifeboat-style movies.

LNL's week o' Kevin Smith continues. Tomorrow night, Chasing Amy, finishing the original Jersey trilogy. That'll really hit the spot.

As for right now... I'm contemplating watching The Virgin Suicides.