10·28·01 Morning

28-OCT-2001 08:00
Last night
I had a dream that we went to Disneyland
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line
I drove you to your house, where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms...
« The Ataris, "San Dimas HS Football Rules" »

Yeah, last night I did have a dream, but it wasn't about Disneyland. But it was a good dream, I suppose, even though it took place for the most part in some sort of clinic/prison/brainwashing centre for teenagers. [I drew up rough sketches of the floorplans for the ground and top floor. If I ever get a scanner I'll put 'em in.] When the dream began, I was apparently a doctor of administrator there. So I made my rounds. I went to the various medical facilities on different floors and talked to some patients [who all happened to be hot teenaged girls... hey, what did you expect... well, it's my dream so [insert tongue here]]. Most seemed lethargic, like they were on depressants [probably on some regimen run by the centre... or prescribed by me]. One girl seemed quite depressed and cried almost constantly. For some reason I gave her a copy of Burning Chrome that I seemingly pulled from thin air. The last girl I had an appointment with looked like Allison from Avalon or a younger version of Laura Harris [I'd watched an Outer Limits episode starring her earlier that night].

After I'd visited the Allison look-alike, there was an escape. The centre must've been holding this guy for a while, because he had to be at least in his late thirties. He looked exactly like Tony Shalhoub. The building was locked down immediately; the chase was entirely inside the building. And even though I wasn't part of the security force, I helped hunt him anyway. I jumped between stairs and walkways like some jungle cat. [I'm quite the gymnast in my dreams... wink wink, nudge nudge.] Eventually security got the better of the guy. The rest of my working day glided by, and I went home. Where "home" was or what it was like was not part of the dream. Part one had ended.

The next thing I knew I was an older-looking [but still teenaged] version of myself [more attractive, too, of course, it being my dream and all]. And my girlfriend [gasp!] and I were in the centre. How/Why exactly we ended up there wasn't clear. But we were wearing the scrubs that I knew from the first part of the dream as being from the medical facility. And we were in one of the sterile white rooms full of stark metal tables and chairs in which I [as a doctor] had visited and talked with patients. So we were "patients". We were more than a bit scared, and holding each other close.

You're probably still wondering: "What girlfriend is this?" I totally forgot to explain that. No, I don't have one at the moment in the conscious world. In the dream, my girlfriend was the last girl I'd seen as a doctor, the Allison/Laura Harris look-alike.

So the two of us are sitting in the visiting room. An orderly came to take her away. I remember letting go, and her return. In between, nothing. She seemed the same, just... sadder. She cried. We held each other some more. She didn't tell me what they did to her. Then they announced my name over the intercom; it was my turn. I clung to her a moment more, like a frightened puppy. She stroked my back and kissed my forehead. I left the room.

I ascended via the central spiral staircase to the top floor. I went to large operating room/theatre, but that wasn't where I was supposed to be, because some other procedure was already underway there. I realized I had no idea where they wanted me to be. So I went to the medical facility on that floor. They told me to go across the hall. [On my sketch of the place I labeled this destination "museum".] I don't know what the hell this area was supposed to be, but it reminded me of Liberty Science Center. There were, like, exhibits with blocks and shit. There was this rectangular table with four holes in it, one in each quadrant, and somehow people had produced ping-pong paddles and were playing ping-pong on it. They kept having problems with the ball falling into the holes. Among the people was Lindsay, but I don't think she recognized me; she didn't seem to. I wandered around that area for a bit, checking out what I'm guessing were other exhibits. Then I went back down to see my girlfriend [come to think of it, I'm not sure if I knew what her name was during the dream]. The door to the waiting room was locked. I could see her through the huge windows, but she wasn't looking my way. She and I had been alone in the room; she was the only one there now. The room must've been soundproof, because banging on the window produced no response.

Right around this point I woke up. It was just before eight o'clock. I was supposed to leave to head back up to college at eight. So I just lay there for a bit, thinking. I missed my nameless girlfriend. I wondered what they'd done to her, and what they were planning to do to me. And who "they" were. ...Then I got up.

I woke up alone, wishing you were here with me
I want us to be something that we'll probably never be...
« The Ataris, "San Dimas HS Football Rules" »

10·29·01 Early Afternoon

29-OCT-2001 13:00
"Sometimes I wonder if you're here to learn, or what..."
« My father »

So if you're one of those people who I nagged about seeing my site as I constantly reworked it, you might be going, "What the hell did you do, you crazy-ass fool?" Well, let's see what happened. Last term, I poked and prodded at the site nonstop. I wasn't satisfied, and I wasted a lot of time that I should have spent, oh, say... doing schoolwork. Of course I also wasted a lot of time playing Counter-Strike, too. I ended up failing two of the three classes I was taking. Three out of four, if you count Karate. That's, like, what? A couple thousand, or a couple tens of thousands of my parents' hard-earned dollars wasted. And at this rate, I'm going to need at least another term to graduate. Or I could overload a few terms. But still. So by reverting the site to a basic state and sticking with it, I'll spend less time fiddling with it. And hopefully I'll pass more classes this term. Back to the basics.

10·29·01 Late Night

29-OCT-2001 22:00
I don't know why, but people are aggravating me right now. Well, not all people. Tonight my roommates and I got along surprisingly well. But most AIM interactions today have been lackluster. The people I've been talking to seem a bit too cold and distant today, and I'm just not in the mood to deal with it. I'm going to bed. Yeah. Before midnight. And you know that's damned early for me.

10·31·01 Afternoon

31-OCT-2001 15:00
{img} Jung proposed that within the human psyche is a shadow, that dark corner of your personality that you don't want to admit is there.  It's the thing you hate most in other people, yet it's an integral part of you.  And you're never truly complete, psychologically, until you face your shadow and overcome your fear of it.