10·28·01 Morning

28-OCT-2001 08:00
 
Last night
I had a dream that we went to Disneyland
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line
I drove you to your house, where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms...
« The Ataris, "San Dimas HS Football Rules" »

Yeah, last night I did have a dream, but it wasn't about Disneyland. But it was a good dream, I suppose, even though it took place for the most part in some sort of clinic/prison/brainwashing centre for teenagers. [I drew up rough sketches of the floorplans for the ground and top floor. If I ever get a scanner I'll put 'em in.] When the dream began, I was apparently a doctor of administrator there. So I made my rounds. I went to the various medical facilities on different floors and talked to some patients [who all happened to be hot teenaged girls... hey, what did you expect... well, it's my dream so [insert tongue here]]. Most seemed lethargic, like they were on depressants [probably on some regimen run by the centre... or prescribed by me]. One girl seemed quite depressed and cried almost constantly. For some reason I gave her a copy of Burning Chrome that I seemingly pulled from thin air. The last girl I had an appointment with looked like Allison from Avalon or a younger version of Laura Harris [I'd watched an Outer Limits episode starring her earlier that night].

After I'd visited the Allison look-alike, there was an escape. The centre must've been holding this guy for a while, because he had to be at least in his late thirties. He looked exactly like Tony Shalhoub. The building was locked down immediately; the chase was entirely inside the building. And even though I wasn't part of the security force, I helped hunt him anyway. I jumped between stairs and walkways like some jungle cat. [I'm quite the gymnast in my dreams... wink wink, nudge nudge.] Eventually security got the better of the guy. The rest of my working day glided by, and I went home. Where "home" was or what it was like was not part of the dream. Part one had ended.

The next thing I knew I was an older-looking [but still teenaged] version of myself [more attractive, too, of course, it being my dream and all]. And my girlfriend [gasp!] and I were in the centre. How/Why exactly we ended up there wasn't clear. But we were wearing the scrubs that I knew from the first part of the dream as being from the medical facility. And we were in one of the sterile white rooms full of stark metal tables and chairs in which I [as a doctor] had visited and talked with patients. So we were "patients". We were more than a bit scared, and holding each other close.

You're probably still wondering: "What girlfriend is this?" I totally forgot to explain that. No, I don't have one at the moment in the conscious world. In the dream, my girlfriend was the last girl I'd seen as a doctor, the Allison/Laura Harris look-alike.

So the two of us are sitting in the visiting room. An orderly came to take her away. I remember letting go, and her return. In between, nothing. She seemed the same, just... sadder. She cried. We held each other some more. She didn't tell me what they did to her. Then they announced my name over the intercom; it was my turn. I clung to her a moment more, like a frightened puppy. She stroked my back and kissed my forehead. I left the room.

I ascended via the central spiral staircase to the top floor. I went to large operating room/theatre, but that wasn't where I was supposed to be, because some other procedure was already underway there. I realized I had no idea where they wanted me to be. So I went to the medical facility on that floor. They told me to go across the hall. [On my sketch of the place I labeled this destination "museum".] I don't know what the hell this area was supposed to be, but it reminded me of Liberty Science Center. There were, like, exhibits with blocks and shit. There was this rectangular table with four holes in it, one in each quadrant, and somehow people had produced ping-pong paddles and were playing ping-pong on it. They kept having problems with the ball falling into the holes. Among the people was Lindsay, but I don't think she recognized me; she didn't seem to. I wandered around that area for a bit, checking out what I'm guessing were other exhibits. Then I went back down to see my girlfriend [come to think of it, I'm not sure if I knew what her name was during the dream]. The door to the waiting room was locked. I could see her through the huge windows, but she wasn't looking my way. She and I had been alone in the room; she was the only one there now. The room must've been soundproof, because banging on the window produced no response.

Right around this point I woke up. It was just before eight o'clock. I was supposed to leave to head back up to college at eight. So I just lay there for a bit, thinking. I missed my nameless girlfriend. I wondered what they'd done to her, and what they were planning to do to me. And who "they" were. ...Then I got up.

Today
I woke up alone, wishing you were here with me
I want us to be something that we'll probably never be...
« The Ataris, "San Dimas HS Football Rules" »

10·29·01 Early Afternoon

29-OCT-2001 13:00
 
"Sometimes I wonder if you're here to learn, or what..."
« My father »

So if you're one of those people who I nagged about seeing my site as I constantly reworked it, you might be going, "What the hell did you do, you crazy-ass fool?" Well, let's see what happened. Last term, I poked and prodded at the site nonstop. I wasn't satisfied, and I wasted a lot of time that I should have spent, oh, say... doing schoolwork. Of course I also wasted a lot of time playing Counter-Strike, too. I ended up failing two of the three classes I was taking. Three out of four, if you count Karate. That's, like, what? A couple thousand, or a couple tens of thousands of my parents' hard-earned dollars wasted. And at this rate, I'm going to need at least another term to graduate. Or I could overload a few terms. But still. So by reverting the site to a basic state and sticking with it, I'll spend less time fiddling with it. And hopefully I'll pass more classes this term. Back to the basics.

10·29·01 Late Night

29-OCT-2001 22:00
 
I don't know why, but people are aggravating me right now. Well, not all people. Tonight my roommates and I got along surprisingly well. But most AIM interactions today have been lackluster. The people I've been talking to seem a bit too cold and distant today, and I'm just not in the mood to deal with it. I'm going to bed. Yeah. Before midnight. And you know that's damned early for me.

10·31·01 Afternoon

31-OCT-2001 15:00
 
{img} Jung proposed that within the human psyche is a shadow, that dark corner of your personality that you don't want to admit is there.  It's the thing you hate most in other people, yet it's an integral part of you.  And you're never truly complete, psychologically, until you face your shadow and overcome your fear of it.

11·03·01 Late Night

03-NOV-2001 22:00
 
Resting (for the most part) close to the surface of the unconscious are those personal attributes and elements of experience which have been excluded from the ego, usually because of parental and societal disapproval. These elements are known as the shadow, and they tend to be projected on less favored individuals and groups. While in general these qualities are negative ones, the shadow may also contain positive aspects which the individual has been unable to own. Typical of the latter are qualities disparaged by the individual's family and/or peers with labels such as "unmanly," "unfeminine," "weak," or "childish."
« An Introduction to Jung and Analytical Psychology »

I was thinking about the shadow recently. This was sparked by the comic I posted here, which came from Avalon [though you'd have known that if you'd clicked it]. So what is it that annoys me about people? Off the top of my head... messiness, immaturity, religion, optimism...

Messiness and immaturity are clearly aspects of myself that I don't like. I'm definitely immature right now. And since I don't think I aspire to messiness, it isn't a "positive aspect I've been unable to own". With messiness, one glance at my desk is evidence enough. There's crap scattered all over it; it's near impossible to find anything. Yeah, I know I annoy myself with that one. But it's a battle between keeping order and laziness. Laziness wins, hands down. I sort of enjoy my immaturity, though, as well as the immaturity of others. Sometimes. Sometimes I find it damned annoying. I think I might like to grow up a little bit more... but not all the way.

When you grow up, your heart dies.
« Allison Reynolds (Ally Sheedy), The Breakfast Club »

Religion and optimism... are they hidden aspects of myself that I'm not proud of? Or are they aspects which I desire and haven't been able to "own"? I look at the world and it's hard to be optimistic. The human race is, on the whole, ignorant. We deserve extinction. I don't really consider myself optimistic, for the most part. But I guess everyone has to be a little optimistic, just to stay alive. Perhaps I use pessimism and cynicism as a shield from the harshness of reality. A very likely possibility. But optimism scares me. You only open yourself to [emotional] injury by having high hopes. Maybe I just need a life-changing experience. Or just an opinion-changing one.

This's been an uncomfortable amount of self-analysis for me. So I think I'll stop there.

When I step outside myself, kind of, and when I, when I look in at myself, you know?  And I see me, and I don't like what I see, I really don't.
« Brian Johnson (Anthony Michael Hall), The Breakfast Club »

How true that is.

11·07·01 Night

07-NOV-2001 19:00
 
I saw the stars fall from the sky
And watched the tail lights fade away
As the sun began to witness a new day
I drove five hundred thousand miles
To find a world unlike my own
And now, middle of nowhere seems like my home...
« The Ataris, "My Hotel Year" »

Tonight I watched Monthy Python And The Holy Grail with some people I know [and some people they know... damnit, couples depress me]. And wow. How can I say this... That movie sucked hard. Perhaps it's because everyone built it up to be the end-all, be-all of comedy. But, man, did it suck.

So. What else is new... I started hanging out with Lindsay again. Hadn't talked to her in a long while. This is probably due to the fact that neither of us is really one to start a conversation. For the past couple of nights we've hung out until well after midnight. Which is nice. I missed her. She and I are in a similar mindset. Does that make sense? I'll try to explain. We both feel lonely, and we both hate it. In fact, we ticked off the things we hate. These lists included things such as classes, couples, people in groups [i.e., cliques]... It's more of an envy thing with people, though. Ties into the loneliness thing. Yeah. I definitely missed talking to her.

I can see it in my mind
I can see it in their eyes
It's close enough to touch it now
But far away enough to die...
« Saliva, "Click Click Boom" »

Though, I guess it's better that I don't have a girlfriend. I'd just make her miserable in the end. And myself. No. I just need friends. Badly. And soon.

5pm traffic
A pistol in my pocket
Outside, it is raining
I gotta keep from fading...
« D Generation, "Sick On The Radio" »

11·09·01 Very Early Morning

09-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Tonight I juggled a bunch of IM windows. People talked to me. And I felt loved. Of course, it's still sad that I'm sitting at my computer every night. But people care. Well, I did know people cared. Like Jon and Lacy. But they're far away and not here when I'm bored and want to go out and go something. Still. It was a definite pick-me-up.

11·09·01 Later That Very Early Morning

09-NOV-2001 00:15
 
But then I was reminded of how I'm alone. I'm going to bed.

11·11·01 Very Early Morning

11-NOV-2001 00:00
 
All my friends and lovers
Will leave me alone
To try to have a little fun...
« Counting Crows, "All My Friends" »

Today [or yesterday... whatever, I'm talkin' about Saturday] sucked. I woke up at eleven am. And that's way too early for any day, even worse on a weekend. And I check my messages. I got seven from Lindsay, telling me to wake up at get to work, and not leave her alone with Dan and Jake. Which she wouldn't have been. So I get up, shower, etc., get over there. She's nowhere to be found. Damn. That was disappointing. So I help set up with Lens 'N' Lights people, and sort of help the WWPI people too. When there was a lull in activity, I left to go find Lindsay.

And where was she? Asleep. Apparently her date ran a tad late. [Until 10am. Hearing that was kind of... the exact opposite of a pick-me-up.] So she was tired. She'd IMed me to wake up, then went to bed. I didn't make her come with me, but she did. We returned, and were bored. And were bored some more... yep. Then Justin [her boy] showed up. So I went and hung with the other security people... and that was at least better than hanging around where I was. I am really beginning to not like couples. Hearing about them, talking to them while they're together, or seeing them... what have you. A while later Lindsay and Justin left. So I sat around some more. And some more. Played a little cards. Chatted about cute girls with other security guys. Won a DVD player. Helped take down the equipment.

I was supposed to go drinking with these guys from LnL. I was to go back to my place to drop the DVD player, then they'd come by before heading out. That was an hour ago. They're not coming. I am pissed. And depressed. And I need alcohol badly. And that I'm not getting any alcohol makes me more pissed.

Do you remember in elementary school, when everyone started having hormones and people paired off? Were you one of the ones left alone? If you weren't, then don't talk to me. It sucked. Hard. I hate it when history repeats.

11·11·01 Early Afternoon

11-NOV-2001 13:00
 
Ever have to cauterize your own wounds?

11·13·01 Very Early Morning

13-NOV-2001 00:00
 
girls are wonderful when they are not crying, about to cry, or involving in any activity in which crying might happen.
« p2, Girls Suck »

It's very heart-warming to feel needed.

11·13·01 Dusk

13-NOV-2001 17:00
 
And when girls are crying... they're just so cute.

11·14·01 Very Early Morning

14-NOV-2001 00:00
 
I do not deserve to live,
But for some reason you say I must
Why I ask, so I can only make things worse
So that the next time I open my mouth you can watch me
Falling so hard that I begin to crack
« Jonathan Stone »

11·14·01 Pre-Dawn

14-NOV-2001 03:00
 
I'm going to respond in kind [i.e., in a non-personal way] to a message I took to be written to/about me. This was the message:

To all of you who I once thought I loved, but who never told me anything real, and even now won't talk to me: You are not my friends.  I'm sorry I spent so much time worrying about you.
« Kate Farb-Johnson »

And my response:

We were never really friends before we started dating. And now it's clear we're totally different people in such aspects as philosophy and what we want in life. We couldn't even talk to each other without an argument ensuing.

Come to think of it, you never could stand someone not totally agreeing with you. And if someone held fast to their opinion, you'd flee. Well... that's not entirely true... you might write them a note and slip it under their door. Or, in my case, write something scathing about the "living dead" and post it on your site.

So, anyway, how could it possibly be a good idea to remain friends? It's "unfortunate" that you spent so much time worrying about me. But to repeat something I said to you five months ago: "In true living dead fashion, I won't let it get to me."

Someone needs to devise a metaphorical elephant gun to shoot those damned high horses out from under people.

11·16·01 Very Early Morning

16-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Sway: "What do you think is more exciting, having sex or stealing cars?"
Memphis: "Having sex, or boosting cars. Um. Well, uh. How about, um, having sex while boosting cars?"
Sway: "Oh, that's a good line. Doesn't work on a lot of girls, though."
Memphis: "I, I just blurted it out. I'm sorry."
« Sway and Memphis, Gone In Sixty Seconds »

Tonight was fun. I'll be brief. Lindsay and I hung out, played some cards, shot a little pool, and committed some theft. It was fuckin' awesome.

11·16·01 Pre-Dawn

16-NOV-2001 03:00
 
There's something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
Like suddenly something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing
« Incubus, "Echo" »

There's this girl. I've been seeing her around campus quite a bit. First time of significance was at the WWPI meeting for Novemberfest security. She was the only girl on the security staff [aside from Katrina, but she's a WWPI exec]. And of course, I saw her during Novemberfest itself. She didn't really do anything. But then again, neither did I. Security was, on the whole, damned useless. But she was just so cute. [Insert sigh here.]

I guess you can see where this is going. ... No, I am not stalking her. But today [or rather, yesterday], when a friend of Dale's from high school came to visit him, we [the visitor, Dale, Chad, and myself] went to the dining hall. And there she was. When I saw her, there was a moment of eye contact. ... I think I freaked her out. I just couldn't stop staring at her. And she caught me a couple of times. But I can't read people's emotions on sight; she could have been reciprocating [not bloody likely]. So I'm guessing I freaked her out.

I was late to my one o'clock class because I saw her again on my way. I don't think she saw me this time. She was walking... then, all of a sudden, bolted toward some guy. So... I guess she's dating him. Yeah. I'm a defeatist. But yet, I stood there in the parking lot and watched. I can not stop looking at this girl.

I know it's bad that I'm so obsessed with this girl without ever having talked to her. So my obsession is primarily based on appearance. I could hate her personality, for all I know. It's not exactly a rare occurrence. I don't get along well with most people. Worst yet, I don't even know her name. Looking at the list of WWPI DJs, I've narrowed it to: Erica Abrahamsen, Kerry Lee Anderson, Kate Mirtle, or Catherine Raposa. Does anyone know her? She's kind of short [5'2" to 5'4", I'm guessing], dark hair with highlights, kinda tan... I know it's vague, but I'm pretty bad at describing people, too. But if you can help me narrow down who exactly it is I've got this crush on, I'd be much obliged.

11·17·01 Pre-Dawn

17-NOV-2001 03:00
 
Striking like a bird of prey along your notepad, now
The only ear that turns your way
My dear diary, it's just you and me tonight
You don't love me, aren't thinking of me
You don't love me, aren't thinking of me tonight
Why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive?
« Jets To Brazil, "Starry Configurations" »

11·17·01 Night

17-NOV-2001 19:00
 
I said, you know me, I'm not the one
Waiting on your setting sun
You know me, like everyone
To be someone, not anyone...
« D Generation, "Disclaimer" »

Yep, it's very heart-warming indeed to feel needed. But it makes you feel like complete shit when you're not.

Felt like one of those proverbial extra wheels with some people just now. So I left. And I'm sure none of them knows me well enough, or cares enough, to pursue.

11·18·01 Very Early Morning

18-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Sometimes it sucks to be right.

11·18·01 Dawn

18-NOV-2001 05:00
 
How can you tell someone not to give up on you, without sounding pathetic? Or rather, how can one do so without sounding more pathetic than they already know you are?

11·18·01 Late Night

18-NOV-2001 22:00
 
{img} But even though I kept pushing you away...  I liked it when you kept coming back.  It was something I could hold on to.  After Deirdre came home, and you stopped coming back to me...  ...  There was just nothing left.

11·19·01 Very Early Morning

19-NOV-2001 00:00
 
To see you cuts me like a knife...
« Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" »

11·19·01 Pre-Dawn

19-NOV-2001 03:00
 
This isn't a for-real suicide thing. This is probably one of those cry-for-help things.
« Marla Singer, Fight Club »

Some people may find me more cold, depressed, and distant than usual. And I am. But it's not because I want to be alone. Just the opposite. I feel lonely. I feel people slipping away from me, and I don't know how to deal. And why do I type this out here instead of talking about it? Because I can't talk about these things to people's faces. Sometimes I can barely stand knowing someone's looking at me. [This is somehow related to why eyes fascinate me, I think.] Besides, the people to whom I really need to say this never really read this site anyway. So, this is rather pointless as a cry for help. I guess it's just a vent, then. A pointless vent. And I'll stay cold. And depressed. And distant. And I'll lose people. Because I did nothing to keep them.

... Aw, fuck.

11·19·01 Noon

19-NOV-2001 12:00
 
Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end
You'll soon find
We're out of time left to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing
      Why I never walked away
      Why I played myself this way
      Now I see
      Your testing me
      Pushes me away
« Linkin Park, "Pushing Me Away" »

11·20·01 Very Early Morning

20-NOV-2001 00:00
 
I'm gonna fly you away, high above the noise and competition. Yeah, I'm a man with a mission...
« Bad Religion, "Man With A Mission" »

Now, I'm usually not a very... nice person. Most of the time I'm apathetic. And when I'm not apathetic, I'm usually sadistic or caustic. But sometimes, being nice is good. Worth it, just for that brief smile, or the O of pleasant surprise. It's so very worth it... Sigh. [That's a happy, pleased sigh.]

Am I schizophrenic? Do I have mood swings? Or am I just paranoid? Or is it just that I get lulled into complacency too easily...

11·20·01 Later That Very Early Morning

20-NOV-2001 00:15
 
I can't help this longing
Comfort me
I can't hold it all in
If you won't let me
      Heaven holds a sense of wonder
      And I wanted to believe
      That I'd get caught up
      When the rage in me subsides...
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
      In this white wave
      In this silence
      I believe...
« Delerium and Sarah McLachlan, "Silence" »

11·21·01 Very Early Morning

21-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Another lonely seaside town
Where the season's closed it down
But if you close your eyes
You can almost hear the sounds of crowds gone by...
« The Ataris, "If You Really Want To Hear About It..." »

I'm back in Jersey for Thanksgiving break. So far, home sucks. But that's to be expected. Soon people will be home, and it'll be more fun. But for now, all I've got is late night network TV. Ugh. Dating shows and Springer. And let's not forget the informercials.

11·21·01 Pre-Dawn

21-NOV-2001 03:00
 
{img} Go talk to her, Joe.  Come on, talk to Ceilidh.  Joe, talk to her.  Joe.  Come on man, talk to her.  *sip*  If you weren't me, Joe, I'd have beaten the snot out of you by now.

I saw her twice again today, or rather, yesterday. Tuesday. And if you don't know who I'm talking about, read down a bit more. 11·16·01 Pre-Dawn, to be specific.

First time today I was leaving MA2431 [Mathematical Modeling with Ordinary Different Equations], walking down from the third floor of Stratton Hall. Something felt odd, so I turned around in the middle of the stairway, and she's there. Kind of blankly staring at me the way I imagine anyone would, if the person walking down the stairs in front of them suddenly turned and stared at them. I don't know how long I stood there, but eventually I kept walking. Once I got to the bottom, I started for the door. I turned again and she was gone. Freaky.

Second time was just before I left Worcester. I was by the door to the stairs of Morgan Hall, gawking at Lindsay. Lindsay was wearing a dress, a rare sight. Of course, it'd happened thrice in the last few days. But it was the first time I'd seen her in a dress. She looked good. Yeah, but anyway. We're standing by the door to the stairs. And I hear someone walk up behind me and use the callbox. Out of curiosity, I turn. It's her again. I stare for a second. I hit Lindsay and gesture. I don't think she [she, not Lindsay] looked at me, but since I was frantic and about two feet away from her, I'm sure she noticed. But she went up to the third floor, came down with Bo-bo [a guy I know from the local Counter-Strike games and hung out with a few times]. They left. I don't know... but once again, I'll assume she's dating him. I'll ask Bo what her name is, if I remember to once I'm back on the LAN.

People keep telling me to talk to her. And I know I should. This amount of obsession isn't healthy. But I don't even know what I'd talk to her about. "Uh, yeah, I see you around campus a lot. What's your name?" I suppose both being DJs for the radio station would be some kind of starting point. But I don't even know about that; I'm not deeply involved in the station. Damn my lack of conversational skills.

11·22·01 Very Early Morning

22-NOV-2001 00:00
 
But there's snow on your cheek
And the light's getting weak
Don't you think we should turn around
Yeah, the wind's coming up
And I know that you're tough
It's a long way into town...
« Superchunk, "Pink Clouds" »

I was listening to that song, and I had a daydream. [Well, at 2am, I suppose it's just a normal dream, but I'm conscious. As far as I know, anyway.] Not an uncommon occurence. I was there, and she was there. And there was snow, don't you know. [I'm not trying to rhyme, I swear.] And she was kinda red-cheeked and cuter than usual. I touched her cheek and she smiled. And shivered slightly. Which was even more cute, if that's possible.

It's Thursday. Thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? My imagination. Sometimes I can take solace in it.

11·22·01 Pre-Dawn

22-NOV-2001 03:00
 
I need a chance
A second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance
A word, a signal, a nod, a little breath
Just to fool myself
Catch myself, to make it real...
« R.E.M., "Strange Currencies" »

So I think I've determined that, after break, I will talk to this girl. If I can think of something to say. Says Lindsay: "i would start with 'hello' and then go from there... or perhaps, 'hi' or 'hey'" A good idea. Except when I picture the situation in my mind, I somehow get her attention, and stand there frozen, choking on a simple greeting. And that's assuming I get her attention. What am I to do? Gesture? Tap her shoulder? The thought of making physical contact makes me all aflush.

Shit. I so haven't thought this out.

11·23·01 Very Early Morning

23-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No, boy, don't speak now, you just drive
Drive
Drive, take me through, make me feel alive
Alive
« Bic Runga, "Drive" »

So I had another dream, lying in bed just now. I saw a Chevrolet ad, the one that shows off their current lineup of cars. For some reason, I like the Impala. But not the recent one. The old-ass Impala, the kind that the orange Nickelodeon car was back in the day. That thing was fuckin' sweet. The dream was essentially me and the object of my obsession out for a drive in the rain. It was almost enough to make me want to get my license.

Yeah. At the moment I have neither permit nor license, though I'm old enough. So why haven't I undergone this rite of passage that most teens jump at? Driving scares me. I'm afraid that I'll get in the car, floor it, smash into a brick wall or a tree or something. Or I'll go really easy on the gas and be honked and yelled at by other drivers. Or that I'll break a car some other way, by shifting when I'm not supposed to or parking the wrong way on a hill... Yeah. I'm a tad paranoid. A tad.

Too hard on the brakes again
What if these brakes just give in
What if the car loses control
What if there's someone 'round the corner
I'm going out for a little drive
It could be the last time you see me alive
There could be an idiot on the road
The only kick in his life is pumping his steel
« Radiohead, "Killer Cars" [live in Holland] »

Of course, there is also the fact that I'm almost 18 and I need state-issued or military ID to buy cigarettes.

11·24·01 Very Early Morning

24-NOV-2001 00:00
 
There's a lot on my mind
So I guess that I'll take it one thing at a time
Still, sometimes I can't help but wonder why
I sit around all day
And I waste my whole damned life away
Still thinkin' 'bout just what there is to say
« The Ataris, "Make It Last" »

11·24·01 Pre-Dawn

24-NOV-2001 03:00
 
I serve my head up on a plate
It's only comfort, calling late
'Cause there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you
« Placebo, "Every Me Every You" »

11·25·01 Very Early Morning

25-NOV-2001 00:00
 
No, this ain't no hard luck story
Some have had better, and some have had worse
Then again, until you've walked my way
You'd have to say I've led a charmed life
« Mike Ness, "Charmed Life" »

11·25·01 Later That Very Early Morning

25-NOV-2001 00:15
 
One more silent victory
Victory...
« Living End, "Silent Victory" »

Last night in New Jersey. Hung out with people here. It was mostly fun. And the parts that weren't... well... sometimes a little salt is good for a wound.

Forgetting erases the black mark from your soul, but makes you more prone to receiving the same mark again. Learning allows the mark to heal, with a scar, a reminder so that you may learn from what you did.
« Brian Spurling »

I'm going to go lie in bed, and ponder the lessons my scars have imparted upon me. And I'll continue to think about whether more harm than help would be done by acting on my obsession. Speaking of which, thanks to everyone who's given me advice.

And I've been having doubts about talking to her... but not out of nervousness. I've been thinking of a particular passage of Burning Chrome by William Gibson. But since my copy's about two hundred miles away, I'm unable to quote it at the moment.

11·25·01 Early Afternoon

25-NOV-2001 13:00
 
I'm back in Worcester, with my crate o' books. So here it is:

[...] Rikki had turned up just when he needed something to get him going, something to aim for. So he'd set her up as a symbol for everything he wanted and couldn't have, everything he'd had and couldn't keep.
« Burning Chrome, by William Gibson »

I've built her up in my mind so much, I wonder if it'd even be right, or fair to her, to say anything.

11·26·01 Morning

26-NOV-2001 09:00
 
We'll roll on with our heads held high
Our conscience in the gutter
Our dreams up in the sky
« Living End, "Roll On" »

So I'm going to talk to her. Today, at 1:50. When I come out of MA2431. Because I'm pretty sure she's got a class near there around then. I'll start with "Hi", and wonder about when her radio show is. And then, I will choke. Metaphorically, I mean.

Show me what your heart is made of
Show me what I need to feel
« Tonic, "Sugar" »

... If you're religious, pray for me.

11·26·01 Later That Morning

26-NOV-2001 09:15
 
Okay. Scratch that plan. I'm not going to talk to her today. I need to think about this some more. So, all of you who'd placed their money on me backing out, collect your winnings.

11·27·01 Morning

27-NOV-2001 09:00
 
Caught without people or drink, I don't know what else to think. But I'm going to grow wings, and sing, "Amen, I'm checking out."
« The Promise Ring, "Tell Everyone We're Dead" »

I am so going to fail PH2202 [Intermediate Mechanics II]. I was sitting here, trying to understand what the fuck we're covering. The chapter's called "Noninertial Systems and Fictitious Forces". Of course, I didn't understand the last two chapters we covered, "Angular Momentum and Fixed Axis Rotation" and "Rigid Body Motion". Damned rotation.

... Oh, lovely... I'm half an hour late to class. This class, in fact. Ah, fuck it.

Don't leave me sitting here
Don't take me for a ride
Freedom's just another drink, don't leave me hangin' dry
      Step right up and be a man
      On your knees and pray
      Freedom's just another open bottle, anyway
« Living End, "Carry Me Home" »

I need to get plastered tonight.

11·27·01 Later That Morning

27-NOV-2001 09:15
 
So... yeah... I got a little bored.

DisorderRating
Paranoid
Schizoid
Schizotypal
Antisocial
Borderline
Histrionic
Narcissistic
Avoidant
Dependent
Obsessive-Compulsive
Very High
Moderate
Very High
High
Very High
High
Very High
Very High
High
High
[ Click Here To Take The Test ]



{img} Under my skin I am really Roy Batty. 'Give me more life.'



{img} My size is... sturdy. I should be in the movies.



{img} Trench Coat Mafia

60% - 70%
[Trench Coat Mafia]

I'm angry, venomous, vitriolic, hurt and mentally unhinged. I know where dad keeps the guns and the list of those who're going to get it is not only long, but half the names have already been crossed off. I am not to be fucked with.



{img} If I were a horrible affliction I would be: syphilis.

Transmitted by direct contact with one of my infections [usually through unprotected sex], I'm one nasty STD! In my initial stages, I cause sores, usually on the genitals or in the rectum, but that's only the delicious beginning. Later on, I'll cause a rash, and then slip away ... but I won't be gone. No no, my friend. I'm far too cunning.

I'll still pass myself on to anyone the poor soul I've infected has sex with [anal, vaginal or oral], and I'll start to erode their muscles and nerves! In fact, I'll eventually lead, if left untreated, to malcoordination, blindness, paralysis, dementia and then death!

And that's not all - if I infect a pregnant woman, I'll also be passed to their child! A single shot of penicillin will kill me, but shhhhh... don't tell anyone.

Yep. Found them from a friend of a friend's livejournal. I think I could claim a first-degree relationship with her, though. I'm pretty sure she was in my karate class.

11·28·01 Very Early Morning

28-NOV-2001 00:00
 
Spin my head around
For a different view
You can't look straight ahead
To see what's in front of you
      If you jump track
      Thinkin' it's over
      Remember, sooner or later
      It's over your shoulder
« Seven Mary Three, "Over Your Shoulder" »

I hate being helpless. I hate seeing people I care about hurt. I hate knowing that if I wasn't so fucking inept, I might actually make them feel better instead of making them feel worse.

I saw Mr. Saturday Night while I was at home. And it kind of hit close to home, perhaps unintentionally. I saw Billy Crystal's character, Buddy, try to make people close to him laugh by insulting them jokingly. And I realized that's the sort of shit I do. And it's not exactly endearing. But it's all I know. Well, that or self-deprecating humor. And lately I've been going heavy on that, too.

So, needless to say
I'm odds and ends, but that's me
Stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is okay
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry
« A-Ha, "Take On Me" »

Shit. I went off on a tangent. Well, sort of. Oh. That was the inital point of this post. A few friends of mine are down. And with all of them, I pretty sure I know where they're coming from, but I don't know what to say. One friend's unhappy in a relationship, and I was in almost exactly his situation a while back. Same reasons. I just hope he handles it better than I did and the situation resolves better for him.

And another friend... well... I don't want to be presumptuous and be wrong and totally misunderstand and have her be mad at or upset with me. But I think, I theorize that she feels that she's losing people or she's about to. Because said people won't "tolerate" her anymore. ["Tolerate" wasn't used by her, but I'm putting it in quotes because I'm not sure if that's really the right word to describe what I'm talking about.] Well, I think I know what's she talking about, too. Like [I'm really reaching for the words, here]... sometimes I'm with people and I feel like I'm on the outside, and my presence is just unneeded... and you just talk about the past [sometimes dredging up memories from out of nowhere], because you believe reminding them of where you've been re-affirms the bond. Okay, maybe that's not what she means and I'm totally wrong. But I think I've just now put my finger on the reason why I do that. I re-affirm the bond because I want moments like the past to happen again in the future, because the present isn't doing it for me. Well... shit, I don't think that was helpful at all.

The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest.
« Calvin, Calvin And Hobbes »

Okay... she wonders why bother trying if shit happens anyway. Yes, shit happens. And Calvin's right, but not totally. There's a certain satisfaction when you help others. Self-interest may be alright, but if you have someone to share good times with, it's better. But the live-for-the-moment sentiment is golden. Perhaps "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" is closer to the mark. [It's such a common saying that I don't have a definite source. People I've seen it credited to include Shakespeare, Epicurus, Imhotep, and Paul [the apostle]. Anyone who suggests to me that the original source was Dave Matthews is a fucking moron.] But anyway, mostly have fun at all costs, with a certain amount of effort put into survival [in order to have more fun in the future] and altruism [so there's someone to have fun with]. I guess that's my aspiration. Do I make sense?

11·28·01 Pre-Dawn

28-NOV-2001 03:00
 
A sort of disclaimer:

All men aren't "potential rapists." I'm not a potential rapist.

But, I am a potential murderer if all of you don't shut the fuck up and get out of my face already.
« Drew Carey, Dirty Jokes And Beer »

I want to go back to the topic of my friend with the girlfriend problems...

"I learned something very valuable... Well, two things... One: I always want what I can't have... and never want what I can... Two: I'm turned on by girls in distress... emotionally... that I can help."

"I think a lot of guys feel that knight-in-shining-armor call."
« The aforementioned friend and myself »

Is it because of nature or nurture that guys are attracted to damsels in distress? Do we really have some kind of instinct to protect females, or is it something that we develop because society teaches us it should be so? Like I implied before, atruism is a noble cause. But why are we drawn to girls and women who need our help, then once we've helped and they're self-sufficient again, the attraction's gone?

I had a problem with this about a month and a half ago. I'd gone to a show late in the summer with some friends. And one of my friends almost got smothered during the stage rush. So we left the pit, and that was the beginning of my crush on her. Which was bad, because she was happily involved with someone already. I'd expected her to be already taken, so the disappointment wasn't great. But up until early October I was still holding onto a glimmer of hope that somehow, it'd work out with the two of us.

Mother fucker. I shouldn't write while under the influences. I never end up going anywhere. Of course, even when sober I don't really go anywhere. ... Sorry.

11·28·01 Later That Pre-Dawn

28-NOV-2001 03:15
 
Now we've travelled far
But are we any nearer
There's a feeling we're reaching for
In the fields where it all began
      Listen, do you hear
      I thought I heard a promise
      But that empty fear, it grows
      And I'm scared that I will forget
But I, I can remember
Look around and 'round
There's people still hangin' on...
« Texas, "Like Lovers (Holding On)" »

11·28·01 Early Evening

28-NOV-2001 07:00
 
{img} 'Dude, that pile of cans is getting gross.  You should really clean that up.'  'Bah!  It's not a pile of cans, it's 'La Tour de Pepsi-Cola'.'  'How long have you been letting that crap pile up in your room?'  'Oh, that's all from just this morning.'

Hehe... yeah, that's me.

11·29·01 Very Early Morning

29-NOV-2001 00:00
 
"Hmm."

"Eh?"

"You know, given enough time, I can logically explain to you why you feel drawn to damsels in distress."

"Well, if you ever have enough time, let me know."

"I could try. Doesn't mean you will agree with my logic."

"Perhaps I won't."

"Okay, everything you know about the world comes in through your senses, correct? Now, sometimes our senses lie, right? And, really, we have no way of knowing if our senses are really sensing anything real in the first place. Basically - there is no way we can know anything for sure outside our own heads. Since there is absolutely no way to really know how anyone else feels, then we really can only seek our own happiness. No one else's happiness really matters to us, because there's no way we can possibly feel it."

"I don't really agree."

"Why?"

"Certain other people's happiness affects mine."

"Yes, but only indirectly. You see them happy, you're happy. You don't even really know if they exist. I'm getting to that part, but I have to establish the base first. Okay, so, now, you know nothing about the world. But, we still know stuff about "the world", whatever the hell it is or isn't. This is stuff we get from our senses. We have a mental reflection of the world in our own heads that we get from our senses. So, basically, the world exists, if only in our own heads. First question is, why do we feel bad when bad stuff happens to us, good when good stuff happens to us?"

"Why?"

"We also have a reflection of ourselves in our head; call this our self-image. When we see bad things happen to our self-image, we interpret these as bad things happening to us, and we feel bad. Basically, we absorb emotion from our self-image. What we think it should feel because of what happened to it, we feel, because we think that's us. Okay, so we've got a self-image in our heads that we absorb emotion off of. Now, if we know of other people, then we must have a reflected image of other people in our heads, too. So... to take a simple example... why are we happy when we're, say, petting a kitten?"

"Because kittens are cute."

"Yes they are. Basically, we imagine ourselves to be them [in a very non-literal way]."

"Like, we're the ones getting petted/loved?"

"Yeah. Or, moreso, we see them purr, we know how that must feel... so we can feel it a little bit ourselves. Essentially... we're now absorbing emotion of of other people [and animals]."

"Other emotional beings."

"Yes. [Well, it can become more complex than that, but for the meantime... yes.] So... we can absorb happiness of our own self-image, and we can absorb happiness off of other's images in our heads. Now, we don't always know how to solve our own problems, or make ourselves happier. But we see other people who have problems that we do not, and we think we could make them happier. If we make them happier, then we can absorb that from them, and be happier ourselves. Essentially - be selfless for selfish reasons."

"But then why do girls seem less attractive once the help is done? Shouldn't the resultant happiness be what I was aiming for?"

"Are they really happier?"

"I don't know. Since I can't really know what they're thinking for sure, or even that they exist."

"That's right. I haven't really considered every individual problem, but I'm pretty sure it can work for everything. Once you solve their problems, they are not as happy as you imagined they would be. Now comes all the complex stuff. Most of what we see comes out of our senses, but it's affected by our mind. Like, if we think of something and get angry, even if it's not real. So - the refection of the world can be made up, too. You see someone you want to help, and you imagine how happy they will be when you help them. You absorb the imagined image's happiness. After you help them, you see they are not as happy as you imagined. Now you're absorbing happiness off of the reflected image and not the made up one. Plus, your self-image failed to make them happy... you still absorb that, too."

"Ouch."

"Heh. The real tricks are... once you learn the basic rules, you learn which parts you can bend. Essentially, the better you know something, the clearer the image is, and the better you can absorb emotion off of it. Which is why you're ususally prone to absorbing stuff from yourself.
      "Basic bending of the rules... First, and probably best, you can change your interpretations of things. Basically, change interpretations that make you feel bad to make you feel good. Like, say you have a terrible day and things keep going wrong. If you look at it in a comic sense, it becomes funny.  So, bad days are now funny. Yeah, it's not exactly easy. Better way, learn to accept things. Or, people, rather. Still very tough to do.
      "If you get to know people better, you can absorb emotion off of them better, and sometimes, you can steal their interpretations of things. Like, to take the example of someone you know, I talked to Lindsay a long time ago.  She likes rain.  I ask why, we have a conversation about it. Next time it rained after that, I think to myself, think of this they way Lindsay thinks of it. And, I started to enjoy the rain. I don't always enjoy rain... images can fade, and I didn't talk to Lindsay for a long time."

"Man, how could you not enjoy rain?"

"''Cause it gets you wet.' 'So why is that bad?' 'I don't like to be wet.' 'Why?' 'Because then your clothes have to be dried.' ... And so on. Basically, my reasons for anything make no more sense than anyone else's. I asked Lindsay why she liked rain, she responded 'It's beautiful.' I asked why, she said 'How could it not be?' She didn't have any real rational reason for it. But there doesn't need to be.
      "The other options - once you learn the basic rules, you can practice absorbing emotion from others [by sympathizing - they're smiling, I know how that feels]. Once you learn to do that - you don't always have to absorb from present images... you can absorb from the past if you remember something well enough. [We often do, actually.]
      "If you really want to stretch rules... you can absorb off of imaginary people too. Basically the idea behind an imaginary friend."

"Nah, my imaginary friends were jackasses. We don't talk anymore."

"Hehe - didn't say you absorbed good emotions off of them. But they're just as real as anyone else. Now, I'm not saying go talk to your new imaginary friend. But, you can do other things with it. Like, you want to change your interpretation of something. So, imagine that concept personified. And then justify their reasons. They ususally become your own. They don't have to exist as anything more than a concept, a character design, a name... whatever. Basically, become someone else."
« Jeffrey Bacon and myself »

11·29·01 Late Night

29-NOV-2001 22:00
 
I wish my life was non-stop Hollywood movie show
A fantasy world of celluloid villains and heroes
Because celluloid heroes never feel any pain
And celluloid heroes never really die
« The Kinks, "Celluloid Heroes" »

I like movies. I've been watching a lot this week. Since Tuesday night I've seen the following:
Clerks
Mallrats
Requiem For A Dream
American Beauty
Contact
Starship Troopers
Cube
The Princess Bride
    [2001 November 27, 2000]
[2001 November 28, 2000]
[2001 November 29, 0130]
[2001 November 29, 0330]
[2001 November 29, 0600]
[2001 November 29, 1800]
[2001 November 29, 2015]
[2001 November 29, 2200]

They're all worth seeing, though Clerks remains my all-time favorite movie [well, Clerks and Empire Strikes Back]. Most I'd seen before, and are always good. Two I saw for the first time. Requiem For A Dream is some fucked-up shit. Damned depressing. That's why I started watching more movies, to get out of the funk that Requiem left me in. Cube was certainly interesting, one of those Lifeboat-style movies.

LNL's week o' Kevin Smith continues. Tomorrow night, Chasing Amy, finishing the original Jersey trilogy. That'll really hit the spot.

As for right now... I'm contemplating watching The Virgin Suicides.

12·01·01 Dawn

01-DEC-2001 05:00
 
And so I wait, for that glorious day
When the one I dream of comes my way
And when our lips touch, so tenderly
I know I'll feel something inside of me
      I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain
      I want to weep at the sound of your name
      Come make me laugh, or come make me cry
      Just make me feel alive
« Joey Lauren Adams, "Alive" »

I've been busy. I woke up at eight am Friday, went to Inter. Mech. II to pick up the take-home exam. It's one question: You have a cylinder, rotating. People can stand on the interior, and it simulates Earth's gravity with "centrifugal force". My assignment is to describe life inside this habitat. If I was unclear, think of Freeside in the Sprawl series by William Gibson. [The Sprawl series consists mainly of Neuromancer, Count Zero, and Mona Lisa Overdrive. It also includes some short stories, like my favorite, Burning Chrome.] But yeah. I'm going to write a narrative. A day in the life of a Freesider, so to speak. It ought to be interesting.

After that class, I went straight to the Campus Center for "Imagining The Future" which was some beamed-in talk by Arthur C. Clarke from Sri Lanka, followed by a panel discussion. I went not for the Arthur C. Clarke, but for the panel, which started just as I got there. And I went because Raymond Kurzweil was a panelist. And he wrote an interesting book, entitled The Age Of Spiritual Machines, which I read because of the damned good CD Spiritual Machines by Our Lady Peace, which Kurzweil does voiceovers on. Anyway. The talkwas interesting. Kind of inspiring. But the segments with the children/young relatives of WPI faculty were fucking annoying. Especially some guy named Heinricher's kid. What. A. Dumbass. But other than that, it left me kind of optimistic about the future. An interesting point was when someone just jumped up randomly and shouted the question: "In the future, do you think policy will still be decided by rich white people?" [That may not be quite the exact wording, but it was words to that effect.] That was kind of funny, actually. But anyway. After that, I got a poster for the discussion signed, and I had Kurzweil sign my copy of The Age Of Spiritual Machines, as well as the case to my copy of Spiritual Machines [the CD].

After that, I stayed to help strike with Lindsay and Josh. Then we moved some shit over to Riley, and then went to bench the movie, Chasing Amy. The panel ended at 11:30; I got done with the signature-getting at noon, and it took until a little after one to strike the panel's stage. So yeah, I've never benched a movie, so Lindsay wanted me to do it. After bumbling, I just gave up and passed it to her. But yeah. Benching was finally completed around four. Then I went with Lindsay to go relace her boots. We stopped at my place for around ten minutes so I could drop my bookbag and stuff. [I'd ended up only going to one of my three classes that day. And that one class was Inter. Mech. II that morning.] Then we went to go eat dinner, and by then it was time to go work the movie. Chasing Amy was good, as usual. Stuck around a while afterwards, then left, went to my place, watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, but then Lindsay got sleepy, so I walked her back to Morgan.

Instead of going back to my place for almost certain boredom, I stopped in at E8, where I'd heard where was anime watching and binge drinking. There was Guiness, but I'm not a beer guy. But I hung out, talked, etc. It was good. Most notable talk for me was the talk about girls. I received much encouragement to go talk to mystery girl, except I haven't seen her at all lately, which really bothers me. I worry I freaked her out too much. But yeah. And Jeff and I compared experiences. Sort of. I'm being intentionally vague. Oh, whatever. Skipping on. More talking, more talking. There was a run to go get cigarettes.

Anyway, I ended up next door in E7 with Jeff, Ben, and Frank. After Ben left we started talking more about what we want in a girl. Jeff and I were looking for some kind of emotional connection. Frank's looking for sex. I really thought I emphasized this too much and made it sound like I was rubbing it in, but I wasn't trying to be arrogant. Sex isn't all it's cracked to be, in my experience. It was a letdown. And I think I would have been better off not having sex. But yeah, I'm a dumbass, and hopefully I've learned. And I joke about it a lot, but I'm not a sex fiend. Or, given the opportunity, I don't think I'd be a sex fiend. But yeah. Frank said he wanted something "tangible". I think he also said something like "well, what else is there to do; it's the logical step". Well, another logical step is a breakup, too, doesn't mean you want to rush toward that. Frank actually said something worthwhile. He said he wanted a good female friend, with whom he could hang out and be close to and do stuff with... like have sex. And he had me agreeing up until that last point.

Anyway, now I'm sitting here typing this in between bouts with MySQL. And I haven't slept. And I feel like a smoke. But I'm trying to help with the GDC site. I kind of feel a little overstressed. And I have to be in Alden at noon to help setup for with the International Society's dinner tonight. But I'm actually not tired. I feel good. Alive. Busy. I feel like I have a purpose. I'm actually... content.

12·01·01 Early Afternoon

01-DEC-2001 13:00
 
Everbody and everything I've known
Never taught me how to stand up on my own
Had to learn it from the one who let me go
Now I walk alone, yeah, I walk alone...
« Oleander, "I Walk Alone" »

I hate it when people don't get that something they keep bringing up bothers you. Then again, there is the possibility that they know it bothers you, and bring it up anyway. That sucks, too.

12·01·01 Late Night

01-DEC-2001 22:00
 
Just for once I'd like to be someone's number one guy.
« p2, Girls Suck »

12·02·01 Morning

02-DEC-2001 09:00
 
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize
But I don't know how to let you go
« Sarah McLachlan, "Do What You Have To Do" »

12·03·01 Pre-Dawn

03-DEC-2001 03:00
 
We start relationships, but this [University / College] is where it's all based around openness. This is where we see how unattached we can be to someone and still have them.
« p1, Girls Suck »

I was just thinking about this for some reason.

12·03·01 Morning

03-DEC-2001 09:00
 
I'm carrying the weight
The weight of the world
That doesn't want to wait for me
It spins me all around
And then it spits me out
Recycled like a christmas tree
      You picked me up
      When no one would
      Come kiss me, baby, it's all good
      You're doing it again
      The way you always could
      And now everything is understood
« Lit, "Everything's Cool" »

I wish I had a girl like that... [insert rimshot here]

Okay, so that wasn't really an attempt at humor as much as a plaintive cry.

I'm trying hard not to make history go in circles. Today I'm tempted more than ever. I've got to be strong. I can't waste another year dealing with dumbass mistakes.

You can tell when you have no chance dating a female friend of yours when you go out, and she talks about boys with you as if you cared.
« p2, Girls Suck »

Well, in case Lindsay eventually gets around to reading this: I don't not care. [insert hug here] I don't want you to stop talking to me, either.

I've got a regular problem
So my standard break from life is in order
I'm having trouble making sentences
I'm older, but I don't feel any smarter
You see, I don't know what I said to you
And now you're pissed at you-know-who
And I guess I deserve it
I wish I could waste my time without wasting all your time
« Alkaline Trio, "My Standard Break From Life" »

Alright. Back to work with me.

12·03·01 Late Night

03-DEC-2001 22:00
 
Happy people piss me off. And depress me. For obvious reasons.

So yeah. I've had a few shots of tequila. It doesn't quite fill the emptiness inside me. But if people don't want to fill it, then alcohol's all I've got.

I've got to do my physics exam still. Which is my justification for drinking on a Monday night. For the exam I'm writing about a hungover character, who's getting re-acquainted with the artificial gravity and other forces. So... yeah. I feel like shit.

I mean, I feel like shit emotionally. Physically, I'm not quite there yet.

... Yet.

12·04·01 Very Early Morning

04-DEC-2001 00:00
 
I feel like screaming. If I thought it would help anything, I would. Instead I sit here, with a blank sheet of paper that was supposed to be my physics exam. So what's the problem? I realized I don't understand what the fuck happens inside the cylinder. And if I have ideas, I can't back them up mathematically.

So I'm just sitting here, going, what happens if I fail this exam? Well, my parents'll be disappointed. And I'll be disappointed. Because I have no real drive to succeed except to not waste their money. And last term, I wasted thousands of dollars failing two of my three classes. Overall, that means I've wasted one full term's worth of tuition and housing and all that other shit. Am I even worth the investment?

I want to just drop out and run off. Or shoot myself in the head. But I don't think I even have the balls to do something like that. So I'll keep living like a cowardly shit.

I don't want to fail. And I don't want to burden others. And I don't want to be lonely forever. But I am, and I am, and I probably will be.

Right now I can't tell if my monitor's fucked up or my crying's blurred my vision that bad. After some messing with the monitor I think it's not just my problem. But I'm in not very good shape right now. So I think I'll head to sleep. Or something.

Randall: "So you'll continue being miserable all the time, just because you don't have the guts to face change?"
Dante: "My mother told me once that, when I was three, my potty lid was closed. And instead of lifting it, I chose to shit my pants."
Randal: "Lovely story."
Dante: "Point is, I'm not the kind of person that disrupts things in order to shit comfortably."
« Randall Graves and Dante Hicks, Clerks »

Fuck.

12·05·01 Very Early Morning

05-DEC-2001 00:00
 
Children, some brief observations on drunkenness [...] A predominantly adult phenomenon. The very young, by and large, don't. Don't have to. Because children don't need to feel they are once again like children... How it makes the world seem like a toy. How it makes the bad seem not so bad. How it makes reality seem not so really real...
« Tom Crick, Waterland »

I'm not a child, but I dislike the thought of being an adult.

12·05·01 Dawn

05-DEC-2001 05:00
 
Just take my hand
Show me how this all fits in your plan
Understand
That I don't need you, I just need to
      Feel, how does it feel
      To crush the world in two
      One last time, 'cause I'm
      So wasted
Feel, how does it feel
To scream without a sound
One more time, 'cause I'm
So wasted...
« Zebrahead, "Wasted" »

I'm sitting in the CCC lab, using a part of my ass to help work on the GDC site. I've been doing this since two am. I left the company of Lindsay around half past midnight... not voluntarily, of course. She was tired. So she went to sleep and I wandered campus for a while. Went back, and got drafted. And after redesigning the CMS [Club Management System] site, we resumed working on the forums page. Sun's coming up, and here we are. I don't know when I'm going to sleep... Okay. Back to the [other] site.

12·06·01 Very Early Morning

06-DEC-2001 00:00
 
I'm upset
Happiness is not a fish
That you can catch
Imagination can't resist
The laziness
That pins you down
Get on your knees...
« Our Lady Peace, "Happiness & The Fish" »

I slept most of the day, in various places. I got back from the website thing with Liam around eleven, then went for a quick drive with Chad down Route 9. After that, Lindsay came over. Went grocery shopping, then I fell asleep on the couch. Then, LnL meeting and movie at Psyci's. Enemy Of The State. Still a decent movie. "Subject is down... down, permanently..." Heh.

Dispersal was timed this time. From the beginning of the credits. Almost complete dispersal [down to the people who lived there, Lindsay and myself] occurred within one minute and 42 seconds. And about thirty seconds later, it was just Lindsay, Psyci, and myself. Yep. So we hung for a bit. Then I made some comment, and Lindsay left. So Psyci and I talked for about an hour or so. And then I came back home.

I'm not in the best shape mentally right now... sometimes I feel so out of it. And unwanted... Very unwanted. And insecure. That's more like all the time, though.

... And I'm really sick of wanting things that I have absolutely no chance of getting. And no matter what you may be thinking, that isn't everything that I'm talking about.

And it was evening
I saw my breath
And I was needing to hear your tenderness
I was blinded by the sight, the power of the changing tide of
Your nature
Stay singing softly
You take me home
Like a slow boat on the water
Like an old stone...
« Hothouse Flowers, "Your Nature" »

12·06·01 Later That Very Early Morning

06-DEC-2001 00:15
 
How many times have you been pushed around
Was anybody there
Does anybody care
      And how many times have your friends let you down
      Was anybody there
      Did anybody stare...
And how many days have you just slept away
Is everybody high
Is everyone afraid
      And how many times have you wished you were strong
      Have they ever seen your heart
      Have they ever seen your pain...
« Our Lady Peace, "Life" »

12·06·01 Early Evening

06-DEC-2001 19:00
 
Degeneration 'cross the nation
Lonely callers, masturbation for a minute
Just can't stay
      All the wheelers and the dealers
      And the zombies kill the feelings
      With a bottle and a vial
      And I'm on my way
I see my mother
Watch her dream just smother
Don't wanna sing the graveyard song...
      Whisper in my ear, dear [tell me something]
      Why does suicide have such appeal [never nothin']
      No way out...
« D Generation, "No Way Out" »

Lack of motivation and lack of a girlfriend aren't my only problems.

12·07·01 Pre-Dawn

07-DEC-2001 03:00
 
There are so many things
We need so desperately
And the TV preaches
We can't live without them
You tell me what is neat
I'll tell you what I believe
If I ever were without it
Then I'd be worthless...
« Stabbing Westward, "The Only Thing" »

I guess the song's talking about commercialism, and that's not really what I mean. A more appropriate quote would be Tyler Durden's middle-children-of-history speech, or Lindsay's "fuck life" rant. But I like Stabbing Westward, and the song was playing when I started writing.

Anyway. Sometimes movies can cheer me up. But sometimes they just leave me feeling empty inside and envious of the characters.

... Stigmata's just not one of those envy-/emptiness-evoking movies, though.

12·07·01 Later That Pre-Dawn

07-DEC-2001 03:15
 
Bombarded by the atmosphere
You breathe, you choke, you breathe again
Conversation disappears
You realize they're not your friends
The panic of the future rears
You dig, you jerk, you find another way
      I don't know
      But I believe
      In yesterday
      And what it means
      To bleed
      And know that you're okay...
« Our Lady Peace, "Right Behind You (Mafia)" »

From all of us here inside my head, here's wishing all of you out there a happy day of infamy.

12·07·01 Dawn

07-DEC-2001 05:00
 
I find love humiliating
Sick and desperate need that drains me...
« Stabbing Westward, "Angel" »

I wish I had an angel...

{img} drawing of an angel

... God damn, do I love Stabbing Westward.

12·07·01 Morning

07-DEC-2001 09:00
 
{img} 'Whoa... that was weird...'  'What's the matter?'  'You ever get the feeling that something very, very bad is about to happen?'  'Yeah, but it's usually just gas.'

12·07·01 Later That Morning

07-DEC-2001 09:15
 
      "Give me peace or release for fuck's sake."
            - KoRn, Reclaim My Place

So far this year I've forgotten three of my friends' birthdays. I have two small excuses, one of which is that none of them go to Roanoke, so I'm not reminded by their presence that their birthdays are coming up. The second excuse is those years when I was younger of planting myself in front of the T.V. until I grew roots into the floor. Damn thing sucked away my memory and replaced it with lines from cartoons and sitcoms. Anyway, the point is I feel so bad about forgetting these people's birthdays that saying "I'm sorry" to them just doesn't cut it.

In fact, I wish that "I'm sorry" hadn't just become another second hand phrase (like that couch you find at the side of the road that smells a little funny, but you take it back to your dorm room anyway because it's free). Apologizing is now a handy way to answer questions that you don't feel like talking about. For example, a recent discussion that I had, if you can call a two-sentence exchange a discussion, consisted of me saying, "I hate money". The other person responded with, "I'm sorry". What the hell is that? And people do it all the time. "I'm sorry" is a phrase that should be saved up and used when it really applies. Using "sorry" so nonchalantly, in situations where it's not even needed only takes away it's meaning; makes the apology mean a lot less than it really does. Oh, and don't even try to get me started on "I love you". I hear that one come out every three seconds from a lot of people who date, until "love" has no meaning any more. Phrases like these need to be cherished and kept locked away until they should be used. That way they don't just become another phrase to say that has no feeling behind it at all. They'll become another thing like, "Would you like fries with that?" So, I guess there is no wonder as to why I feel inadequate when I say that I'm sorry about forgetting my friends' birthdays.

Did I push anyone's comfort level with my quote? If I did, then great. That means that not all words or phrases have lost their meaning or power yet. We're all still being desensitized, though. Most people wouldn't think twice if they heard the word "fuck" outside of a classroom or professional setting. So maybe I'm wrong in saying that some words still have power. Anyway, I made this short enough so that everyone could read it and get on with their lives or other homework, and I hope that's what you'll do.
« Valancy Wilson »

12·07·01 Night

07-DEC-2001 20:00
 
I look outside to the lighted city,
Thinking of all the people that are out there.
I can see in the street people,
Walking, talking, even singing,
Enjoying themselves.

But I am not part of that.
« Jonathan Stone, "Alone In The Darkness" »

Worcester's damned boring on a Friday night. I'd start drinking, but that'd make me even more lonely. There's got to be something to do...

12·08·01 Dawn

08-DEC-2001 05:00
 
I depend on you
For the wings of life
And the air that you move...
« Our Lady Peace, "Made To Heal" »

A while ago I was sitting in the Wedge with Lindsay, and she asked me if there was anything she could do to make me feel better. And I told her, get into a life-threatening situation so that I could take her place. Was I being serious? At the time, yes. I'd said a while before that I'd like to sacrifice myself for the good of those I cared about. I want a movie-like ending, where whenever the wind blows a certain way they remember my heroic sacrifice and feel warmed inside. And I'd always be with them, in their heart[s].

But it's not going to happen. Because... a) I'd prefer it if the people I cared about stayed safe all the time. And 2) Life isn't the movies. Perhaps I'd die, and they'd remember it and know that I loved them. But my voice isn't going to speak to them through the wind. And eventually, their lives would reach some kind of normalcy.

A couple hours ago I felt worthless. And not just worthless. I felt I had negative worth. That all I was was a drain on resources, with no positive contribution to the world. But I don't feel that way now. Lindsay said that without me, she would be very sad. And for once, I took it seriously. Maybe it was the tone of voice she used... or perhaps it was something else. But I knew I wanted to stay at WPI. And not transfer. Or drop out. Or flunk out. Or just stay in Worcester somehow.

And we both agreed that it was much better now that we were talking to each other again. Much, much better...

Now, sitting at my desk, I'm thinking about the possible positive impacts I've had on others' lives. Granted, there are people whose lives I haven't exactly helped, those whose lives would have been significantly better had they never met me. I've got specific examples. But those are for another time.

So what do I want to do in life now? I want to find my purpose. Perhaps I have no purpose but to die. Perhaps I'll cure some disease. I have to believe that our lives are scripted. That's all the motivation I have. I have to maintain hope that my continued existence will impact someone's life for the better.

I'm going to go to the West Street House on Monday. To seek the help of a professional. Maybe drugs can help me. My aversion to psychiatrists was due, simply put, to personal pride. But I'm trying to put that aside. Defective people like myself can still benefit society. We just need a bit of help to be functional.

And I'm going to talk to my parents sometime about direction. And whether higher education is really for me. And what they think I should do with myself, clueless about where to go as I am. Whether they should waste their hard-earned money on me, or do something for themselves. Because right now, I think of them working long hours to support not only themselves, but my live-at-home, 23-year-old sister, as well as my own unmotivated college student ass. And I cry. Sometimes it's weeping, sometimes it's just internal. But I feel sad about it.

12·08·01 Afternoon

08-DEC-2001 15:00
 
{img} Lamentation{img} Juxtaposition{img} Catharsis

12·09·01 Pre-Dawn

09-DEC-2001 03:00
 
I believed that love was sacred
As I dove blindly into her sea
You see, that warm embrace felt more like drowning
As endless waves crashed over me...
      God, I've never been loved by an angel
      I've never felt anything so pure...
« Stabbing Westward, "Angel" »

You can't stare at beautiful things for too long. You wind up never wanting to stop. You need to distract yourself. Or live with the disappointment and the longing.

... Oh, and snow is nice, too.

Did I mention I love Stabbing Westward?

12·09·01 Early Evening

09-DEC-2001 19:00
 
Don't look now
Seems like we're trapped, somehow
I'm not sure
If we'll ever make it out of here alive...
« Living End, "Trapped" »

I feel... well, trapped. Like, in limbo. Hovering between states. Can't go forward, can't go back. It sucks.

Can you still feel the butterflies
Can you still hear the last goodnight
      I close my eyes and believe
      Wherever you are
      An angel for me...
« Jimmy Eat World, "For Me This Is Heaven" »

This update comes to you straight from the terminal in the projectionist's booth of Perreault Hall in Fuller Labs. ... Jurassic Park III sucks.

12·09·01 Late Night

09-DEC-2001 22:00
 
Wer zu Lebzeit gut auf Erden
Wird nach dem Tod ein Engel werden
Den Blick gen Himmel fragst du dann
Warum man sie nicht sehen kann
      "Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehen
      Kann man uns am Himmel sehen
      Wir haben Angst und sind allein"
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
      Sie leben hinterm Sonnenschein
      Getrennt von uns unendlich weit
      Sie müssen sich an Sterne krallen [ganz fest]
      Damit sie nicht vom Himmel fallen
"Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehen
Kann man uns am Himmel sehen
Wir haben Angst und sind allein"
      Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
"Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehen
Kann man uns am Himmel sehen
Wir haben Angst und sind allein"
      Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein...
« Rammstein, "Engel" »

12·10·01 Very Early Morning

10-DEC-2001 00:00
 
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them...
      Close my eyes when I go to bed
      And I dream of angels who make me smile
      I feel better when I hear them say
      Everything will be wonderful someday...
« Everclear, "Wonderful" »

I am so insecure. I hate the fact that people have to watch what they say around me, and explain themselves to me, so I don't break down. I mean, I hate breaking down. I just wish I wasn't so fucking emotional. I'm sorry.

12·10·01 Pre-Dawn

10-DEC-2001 03:00
 
I was just reminded of something today that was entertaining. I was coming to the radio station, to do my show. I saw Frank and Jeff in the Campus Center lounge. So I go over. After a while, Frank tells me that there's been "a sharp increase in the song-lyrics-to-writing ratio". There might be. I think it's been fairly constant, with there being slightly more lyrics than original writing. But the real entertaining part was that Jeff refuted Frank. That was entertaining. Knowing people read my site is cool enough; watching them bicker about it is great. Hehe.

12·10·01 Dawn

10-DEC-2001 05:00
 
"Courage is knowing when you're licked before you begin, but you do it anyway, and you see it through no matter what."
« Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird »

I played a song tonight during my radio show. Alien Ant Farm, "Courage". I should have dedicated it to myself.

You should try not to be so courageous
These dismal moods have become contagious...
« Alien Ant Farm, "Courage" »

It's amazing what can happen in fifteen minutes. I left the radio booth, and began leaving the building... walked right past the door, went to the vending machines and bought some ice cream. For Lindsay. I knew what I was going to do. I spent the next fifteen minutes [It's also amazing how long one can draw out a short trip down a hill] thinking about what to say, so that it seemed I hadn't just bought ice cream to bring to her. What to say, how to say it. How not to seem blubbering.

When I got there, I'd lost everything I'd thought in seconds. Jealousy also sucks. Even if it's a totally unfeasible prospect. So... I just did what I do when I get uncomfortable. Levity. And what do I know best? Dick and fart jokes. So yeah... eventually it was me and her. I'm such an idiot. I just broke down. And asked her out. Again. But somehow I managed to ask her out without asking her out. Just went straight to the shoot-down that I knew was coming. I am a dumbass. I mean, even before I'd told her, when I was still in dick-and-fart-joke mode, she'd said that my chances with her had dropped below zero. And gone negative. Now if that isn't a big neon sign saying "You Will Be Shot Down", then I guess nothing is.

You know that instinct to pick scabs? I must have that in spades.

And the topic of our living arrangement next year was brought up. And whether I'd be able to handle her bringing guys home, or not coming home at night. And I can't say that the thought comforts me. But hey, I feel like that now. Like the day of Novemberfest, when she told me to get to work, and ended up falling asleep. And, like the idiot I am, I asked where she was. Date with Justin, which she got back from at ten a.m. So, yeah. It happens now. Being closer to it isn't going to be better or worse. Just different. And it'd be better than not living with her, and having to wonder about it. I'm such a paranoid mental case.

So, in conclusion. I lack common sense, uncommon sense, and rare sense. Or possibly, I am the world's biggest masochist. Thank you.

On a side-note, on the fifteen-minute-long walk back from the police station to my apartment, I smoked the five cigarettes I had left. So... uh... could someone come with me to Store 24 to buy some more?

12·10·01 Early Morning

10-DEC-2001 07:00
 
By request [by my mom], I'm posting my translation of the lyrics to "Engel". Much help from Babelfish. But in some cases, Babelfish sucks. ["God white I do not want to be an angel"? Even I can translate better than that.]

Yeah, on the CD, there is the song "Angel" which is mostly in English and kind of like "Engel". But it's not the same. I think it's the line "Goddamn, not an angel when I die" that bothers me the most.

Anyway. Here it is:

Those who live a life of virtue
Become an angel after death
Then you ask, looking up at the sky
Why they can't be seen
      "Just as the clouds are going to sleep
      We can be seen in Heaven
      We have fear and are alone"
God knows I don't want to be an angel
      They live behind the sunshine
      Infinitely far away from us
      They have to claw at the stars [quite fixed]
      So that they don't fall from Heaven
"Just as the clouds are going to sleep
We can be seen in Heaven
We have fear and are alone"
      God knows I don't want to be an angel
"Just as the clouds are going to sleep
We can be seen in Heaven
We have fear and are alone"
      God knows I don't want to be an angel...
« Rammstein, "Engel" »

12·10·01 Noon

10-DEC-2001 12:00
 
They say
Something I don't wanna hear
Ringin' like a shotgun
In my ear
      Faster and faster, my whole situation's
      Falling apart, crossing my heart
      And I hope to live
      But something has to give
      'Cause I just wanna be something
      I just wanna be someone
      Someone who stands out in the crowd
      Mother would be proud
      Something to someone...
« Lit, "Something To Someone" »

People can be such downers. Yes. It's annoying if all they say is that everything will be okay. But even that's acceptable compared to criticism. I don't need any more salt for my wounds right now, thank you.

12·11·01 Very Early Morning

11-DEC-2001 00:00
 
From now on
I'm gonna start holding my breath when you
Come around and you flex that fake grin
'Cause something inside of me has said more than twice
That breathing less air beats breathing you at all
      I don't want to talk to you anymore
      I'm afraid of what I might say
      I bite my tongue every time you come around
      'Cause blood in my mouth beats
      Blood on the ground
Hand over my mouth
I'm earning the right to my silence
In quiet, discerning between ego and timing
Good judgement is once again proving to me
That it's still worth its weight in gold...
« Incubus, "Blood On The Ground" »

I had one of the best dreams I've ever had tonight. Fuckin' sucks. You wake up and there's that one good moment where you think the dream's real. And then reality floods in like some suffocating miasma.

I'm going to go cry until I get a message from the guy I'm goin' with to buy cigarettes. I've got to fight reality with my own miasma.

12·11·01 Later That Very Early Morning

11-DEC-2001 00:15
 
Faintest snow keep falling
Falling
Hands around your waist
Nameless, standing cold, standing cold
Like a breath
Like a breath
Take in restraint like a breath
My lungs are so numb from holding back...
« Jimmy Eat World, "Crush" »

Stupid memory. Never works when I want it to, but always brings up things I'd rather not think about.

12·11·01 Late Night

11-DEC-2001 22:00
 
I try to feel the distance
That has grown between us
Open up as lonely as
The space between the stars
I wish that I could find a way
To smash my fist right through these walls
Of ugliness
And emptyness
And gently touch your face
« Stabbing Westward, "So Far Away" »

I don't feel the need to explain myself.

12·12·01 Very Early Morning

12-DEC-2001 00:00
 
I'd like to close my eyes and go numb
But there's a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high-rise today
It's not a breeze 'cause it blows hard
Yes, and it wants me to discard
The humanity I know; watch the warmth blow away
      So don't let the world bring you down
      Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
      Remember why you came and while you're alive
      Experience the warmth before you grow old...
« Incubus, "The Warmth" »

I have mood swings like fuckin' crazy. Right now, I'm very content.

An hour from now? That may be a different story.

In the morning? Anyone's fuckin' guess.

12·12·01 Night

12-DEC-2001 20:00
 
ShivanLord (8:15:41 PM): was that wave of depression i felt you?
Enoch Root (8:18:28 PM): Could be.
Enoch Root (8:18:37 PM): You're going to feel a wave of insobriety soon, then.
« Jonathan Stone and myself »

I like that separation of mind and body that alcohol produces.

... If only for a few hours.

... Sigh.

12·12·01 Late Night

12-DEC-2001 22:00
 
Zeeke 42 (10:22:28 PM): what was the success then? diablo?
Enoch Root (10:23:03 PM): Yeah, helped him finish an act in the game. Then his girlfriend stole his whipped ass away.
Zeeke 42 (10:24:21 PM): ugh
Zeeke 42 (10:24:35 PM): but if you had a girlfriend, she'd carry you off just as easily
Enoch Root (10:24:39 PM): Well, duh. I know I'm jealous. Doesn't really make it easier to cope with.
Enoch Root (10:29:12 PM): Man, do I want to be whipped.
Enoch Root (10:29:16 PM): ... By a girl.
Enoch Root (10:29:19 PM): ... -friend.
Zeeke 42 (10:29:23 PM): right
Zeeke 42 (10:29:28 PM): i know how you feel
« Jeffrey Rosenberger and myself »

A way-after-the-fact update, just because I wasn't thinking about it much at the time...

And I'm just kiddin', Jon. You know I love you.

... Whi-tsh.

12·13·01 Very Early Morning

13-DEC-2001 00:00
 
You see the truth when I bring the bullshit
You make me whole when I'm feel alone, yeah...
      Inside a place
      I know you're all mine
      Inside a crowded room, your smile reminds me I'll be fine...
Another day
Another clean break
Another cigarette and I think I'm gonna be okay...
« Zebrahead, "Subtract You" »

And so the mind and body come crashing together. Well, not so abruptly. More like the car crash that's unavoidable, but it just seems to go in slow motion.

I think I need a meeting with someone. When she wakes up. I'm probably just being paranoid... But I don't want to risk it.

12·13·01 Later That Very Early Morning

13-DEC-2001 00:15
 
Enoch Root (2:00:25 AM): So I should be... more of an asshole?
Enoch Root (2:00:28 AM): Hehe. Kidding.
SuperHeroILC (2:01:35 AM): but the sad thing is, that would work!
Enoch Root (2:01:54 AM): Only short-term.
Enoch Root (2:02:40 AM): After a week or so, she'd dump me.
SuperHeroILC (2:03:27 AM): in that time you could be 50/50 nice and asshole
SuperHeroILC (2:03:31 AM): and then she'd be confused.
SuperHeroILC (2:03:37 AM): and not dump you.
SuperHeroILC (2:03:40 AM): yeah?
Enoch Root (2:03:59 AM): Nah, nah. I'll just take cold showers for a while. A long... long while.
SuperHeroILC (2:04:03 AM): lol
SuperHeroILC (2:04:05 AM): nice
SuperHeroILC (2:04:09 AM): i still like my theory though
Enoch Root (2:04:17 AM): It may be valid.
SuperHeroILC (2:04:27 AM): i think it would work.
Enoch Root (2:04:33 AM): But having asked her out once this week, I figure I have to wait a while.
SuperHeroILC (2:04:41 AM): yes...another week?
Enoch Root (2:04:50 AM): Hehe.
SuperHeroILC (2:04:50 AM): she'll give in eventually.
« Me and Valancy Wilson »

This advice was just too good to not post. I don't really plan on following it, because I think if I were an asshole any more than I was already, Lindsay would beat the living shit out of me. And then we wouldn't talk for a year. Or probably more.

Also, I disagree with the initial premise, which was that girls are initially attracted to guys who are assholes. Then they realize it, and dump that guy, but subsequently get together with another asshole.

Well, I don't disagree that such girls don't exist. Ack, too many negatives. I'll rephrase. I think that girls do exist who are like that. But I don't think Lindsay's one of them.

12·13·01 Pre-Dawn

13-DEC-2001 03:00
 
You walk along, by yourself
There's no sound, nothing's changing
They've gone away, left you there
Emptiness is nothing you can share
All those words that hurt you
More than you will let it show
Comes apart, by yourself
All is well and everything's wasted
« Sugar Ray, "Falls Apart" »

So yeah... A "quick smoke break" at two o' clock turned into two hours. And I've thought of things I need to talk about with people. I'm going to the West Street House [WPI's counseling center] later today. And I think I smoked myself sick. Because I feel like crap. Not usual mental crap. I'm talking physically. So I'm going to lie down.

Oh, and Lindsay, if you're reading this... remember to call. This is a reminder. Because you're not online right now, and I don't want to call you to leave a message, as that would make noise and such.

12·13·01 Early Morning

13-DEC-2001 07:00
 
I know I've felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
« Cranberries, "Dreams" »

I had a couple of the most fucked up, disturbing dreams I've had in a long time. I'm writing them down before I forget.

Okay, so I went to sleep...

<!-- DREAM ONE: BEGIN -->

It was like I hadn't gone to sleep. I was at my computer, and I got IMed by a random girl. Well, not random. I didn't remember her, but she was on my buddy list. Dale, who'd been asleep, had just gotten up and gone to the bathroom. On his way back, I asked if he knew someone by the name of [insert whatever her screenname was here]. Shockingly, he did know her. He also said that she was a nasty slut, she'd sleep with anything that moved, and even I'd never want to touch her. Paraphrase. Dale doesn't really talk like that, even in my dreams. But whatever. So I'm intrigued.

For some reason, she's outside our apartment, in that little courtyard-like area. So I go out there to meet her. Short, kind of vague description: she's not quite a looker, but still cute. And she sucks my dick almost immediately. I shit you not. So I back off. "This just isn't right," I believe are my exact words. She sits there, dejected. I'm about to explain to her why it isn't right, when Jeff [who's behind me, trying to light a barbecue grill] tells me to pass the ice. There is a bag of ice about three feet from me. So I get it and toss it to him. [For those concerned: Yes, I put my dick back in my pants and zipped up before getting the ice.] The girl begins to walk off. Jeff's walking off in the same direction, but it's clear he isn't following her. I follow her and him. He stops first, drops the bag of ice into this pile of rocks, covers it, walks back to where we were. I raise an eyebrow, but keep following this girl. ... Whom I lose, promptly. So I'm just walking.

Some clarification. I was not following this girl to have sex with her. Nor was I intrigued by her for that reason. If you know me well enough, you'll know that sluts piss me off. I wouldn't date one, or even have a fling with one. The reason for intrigue: Anytime someone says "you don't want to meet this person", I want to meet that person. And the reason I followed her? A) I wanted to know what inspires someone to go down on someone they've just met. And 2) I wanted to tell her why going down on people you've just met is a bad idea.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I just lost her, and I was still walking.

So I see the lights are on in this apartment. And it's clear there's this huge party going on there. I'd walked slightly off campus, but this isn't standard campus, so trying to explain where I was won't work. This was the apartment that Lindsay and I were thinking of moving into. I knew this, somehow. I go to this party. It's a mess. People are wasted, lying inert, all over each other [in both the making out and passed out senses]. It's a mess. Apparently Sarah Linderme, treasurer of LnL, is behind this. I don't really know her in the real world, nor did I in the dream world. But I didn't live there, so I didn't care. But I didn't want to hang around. I didn't really see anyone else there I knew. So I left out the back way. Where I ran into... the cops. And they basically flashed a Maglite in my eyes, suspected I was drugged out, found I wasn't, and let me go. I ended up with one cop's Maglite, but it was weak, like the bulb was burning out or the batteries were dying.

And I went back to my place [the place I live now and where the dream began]. I checked the current status of the thermostat, using the weak Maglite to see. Dale had once again jacked down the heat. So I turned it up. Dale wakes up, goes to the bathroom again. I'm playing the Maglite off the walls. Just like reality, Chad's not here tonight. So I'm shining it all over his part of the room and the kitchen. I'm bored. I soon crawl back into bed. Fade/Cut to black, and I wake up.

<!-- DREAM ONE: END -->

I spent a while lying there, just breathing. Calming myself down. It's not that the dream was really disturbing. It was just more vivid than the dreams I usually have, which apparently don't even merit me remembering them. I checked my watch... it was only about six am. I'd been in bed for less than an hour. So I went back to sleep...

<!-- DREAM TWO: BEGIN -->

I don't remember where it starts.

I knew Lindsay had gone away for a while. Left Worcester, I mean. Don't know where she'd gone, but the dream started when she came back. She'd moved in with a bunch of people I'd never met, but whom I'd heard about through people I know. [To clarify: I've actually heard about these people in real life. I've never met them. In real life.] And I'd seen her once around campus since she came back, but then like... never.

So this one night, I visit her at her place. Everyone but her [her roommates plus some of their friends, I mean] was in the living room there, watching this one guy play Doom. She comes out [from her room, I'm guessing] and we go back to her room to talk, away from the others. Basically it was small talk. I kept trying to talk to her about me missing her, but she kept steering the conversation away. Then her roommates showed up in the room, and they started doing something with the computers in there and I had no idea what was going on, and I lost track of Lindsay. She left, or something. But she was gone. So I left. No one noticed. Or if they did, no one said anything.

I walked. And walked. Daylight came. Liam somehow told me that he was going to play some Frisbee with the Ultimate Frisbee people and subsequently going to the Boynton, and that if I wanted to come with, I could. Which is odd, because I was wandering around by myself, and didn't go back to my room. But I'd also let him know that I probably wouldn't take him up on it, because I didn't want to hang out with the Ultimate Frisbee people.

Somehow my journey took me back to the apartment of the wild party from Dream One [the apartment Lindsay and I had been thinking about moving into together]. And Lindsay was there. And the place was spotless. Sarah was leaving as I got there, saying the party had just ended and she'd just finished cleaned the place up. So Lindsay and I talked. More small talk. She said she was late for something. She and some guy were going out to cow-tip. I shit you not, that was what she said they were doing. So she was gone again. And I walked.

Somehow I ended up at an Olive Garden somewhere out past the Boynton. I knew where it was because I walked back from it after this sequence and ended up walking past the Boynton. But anyway, I was at this Olive Garden. And there was this post-book-signing get-together of some kind. Like, apparently there'd been some talk and book signing at WPI, then afterwards they took the guest out here for some kind of reception. It was small, they just had some tables and booths in the same area.

I sat down at the table with the guest of honor. The guy reminded me of Ray Kurzweil. Except he looked younger. And much of that conversation is fading, but I remember he said "Relationships are like awards. They don't mean shit in the end." I was talking with him about all my problems, all my fears. It was weird. And I'm kicking myself that I don't remember it. After that, my attention lapsed for a while, and Ray was gone. But Lindsay was there instead. And when I noticed her, I tried to talk to her again. But she said she was late again, 'cause she and some guy were going out to do something [this time I forget what it was]. And she was gone. So I left there, and walked back to campus. Woke up.

<!-- DREAM TWO: END -->

This time, I got my ass out of bed and started typing. The frantic key clicking of my "QuietKey" keyboard has no doubt stirred Dale. Heh.

The pseudo-Ray's quote kind of reminds me of that scene from Reality Bites:

"Nice job. Very well done."

"I don't want to hear it from you."

"Oh, I forgot. I'm not qualified to talk to you. I'm sorry I can't be Mr.-Look-At-Me,-I'm-Buddha-On-The-Mountaintop. Know what you are, man? You know what you remind me of? You're like that guy, you know, with the hat and the bells. You know—"

"Court Jester."

"Yeah, where everything is so easy to laugh at from a safe distance back in Clevercleverland. You know what happens to him? They find his skull in the grave and they go, 'Oh, I knew him. And he was funny.' And the guy, the Court Jester, dies all by himself."

"Where'd you hear that, a Renaissance festival? Besides, everyone dies all by himself."

"If you really believe that, who are you looking for out here?"
« Michael Grates and Troy Dyer, Reality Bites »

But I know that's not true. I guess Ray-in-my-head's trying to convince me to just suck it up. Which I'm trying to do.

And I may not be a master of dream analysis, but I think my second one's telling me I'm afraid of losing Lindsay. Wow, even while unconscious I'm a Master Of The Obvious.

imotic (8:39:05 AM): impressive.
Enoch Root (8:40:17 AM): Impressive?
imotic (8:40:38 AM): the dream.. the way you're able to describe it.. and the meaning.
Enoch Root (8:41:05 AM): You think I hit the mark?
imotic (8:41:56 AM): close enough, in any case... if you haven't, you'll figure that out and adjust accordingly.. possibly without even noticing you did..
Enoch Root (8:42:41 AM): Damn. I prefer having my meanings handed to me. Well, when I don't get them initially.
Enoch Root (8:42:43 AM): No sarcasm.
« Liam Morley and myself »

It's around half past eight now. I woke up from Dream Two at half past seven. There ain't no way I'll be able to get back to sleep now.

12·13·01 Morning

13-DEC-2001 09:00
 
Enoch Root (9:21:28 AM): Oh... I wanted to have a meeting with you.
Lindswrigh (9:21:38 AM): uh-oh
Lindswrigh (9:21:40 AM): what's up?
Enoch Root (9:21:43 AM): Are you mad at me?
Lindswrigh (9:21:45 AM): no
Enoch Root (9:21:51 AM): Okay, then. Another quick meeting.
Lindswrigh (9:21:56 AM): (c:
« Me and Lindsay Wright »

... I am way too insecure and paranoid.

12·13·01 Afternoon

13-DEC-2001 15:00
 
So my desk lamp's bulb burns out. I get a replacement. Still doesn't work. So I go under my desk to investigate. The lamp's plugged into a surge protector. So I flip the surge protector off, then on. Apparently my speakers are still on... and plugged into that same surge protector. [How many times can I use term surge protector? Look at me go.] So I hear three thuds from my subwoofer. Then I hit the switch off again. I unplug everything, switch it back on, plug things back in. Nothin' works. Crap.

So I'm not deft. Do I look like an EE to you?

Luckily I didn't blow my speakers. They work when plugged into my other surge protector. I'm too lazy to check the other things, but I'm guessing that it was just the protector that blew. And the other shit works. I hope. I'll check later.

12·14·01 Pre-Dawn

14-DEC-2001 03:00
 
It's easier to cry
When there's someone there to hold you
Who hasn't had a chance to know
The bitter and the cold you...
« Oleander, "She's Up, She's Down" »

So tonight, I felt craptacular. Really, really craptacular. I went to Lindsay's room and essentially just sat there while she wrote a paper. But it was still comforting. Well, it was until Kate and some of her cult showed up. [Lindsay and Kate are roommates. And no, that was not the advice I gave them when they asked me how the four girls should couple. I thought they should have paired off, Kate with Julia and Lindsay with Tzip. As those pairs would be more agreeable to most parties. Somewhere along the way the message was misinterpreted.] But anyway.

So Lindsay got work done on her paper, and then we went to E8 for a Monopoly game. Man... Risk, Monopoly? These games are so ... long and boring, to put it bluntly. Then again, I like Trivial Pursuit. And that's fairly long. But it's trvia; it's not boring to me. Oh well. Different strokes for different folks.

Dirty Matt [Matthew Jackson] stated that at one point that Lindsay was flirting with me. Ha. I wish. I think I said that out loud, too. All it was was that she was lying on the floor and wanted to sit up, but lacked the energy. So I was helping her up.

Later he asked Lindsay if she had "a pet Vince". [I had my face buried on her knee, and she was petting the top of my head.] Him saying that actually felt nice. And I told Lindsay that it was essentially true; I'd do anything she asked of me. Why? Mostly because I know that she wouldn't tell me to do anything that would be uncomfortable for me. I trust her a great deal. And I guess there isn't really much you can say to that. I mean, if one's in Lindsay's position.

I'm not sure if I can think up a conclusion. Maybe that even being her pet is comforting? Because it is.

12·14·01 Later That Pre-Dawn

14-DEC-2001 03:15
 
Perhaps I am an open and straightforward person. Fucked up, yes, but I'm very honest about it. I just want people to know what I think, and in writing is when I can best do it. When I'm talking to someone, I'm usually at a loss for words. But when I have all the time I want to craft what I want to say, it's much easier. And I can say more, without fear of immediate interruption... or retribution.

I'm only writing this here because something is forbidding me from replying directly to the original statement. Something about how my email address must be confirmed... But I have no idea why it isn't confirmed with LiveJournal. [Insert shrug here.]

In summary, this [this site, or journal, or pseudo-blog, however you want to describe it] is everything I want to tell people about, but can't find the words to say in person.

Actually, it's mostly just self-abuse, me berating myself and shit like that.

12·15·01 Dawn

15-DEC-2001 05:00
 
misterbungle66 (6:24:33 AM): Man, I was reading your journal... and you sort of remind me of what I would be like if I didn't mechanically and with ritualistic fervor beat down 90% of my emotions into non-existence.
« Jon-Michael Porter »

Sometimes, I wish I could. But then I remember the high points. And I'd kill to feel like that. Or die to.

12·15·01 Early Morning

15-DEC-2001 07:00
 
I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy
Happy
      I wish you were here...
I lay my head onto the sand
The sky resembles a backlit canopy
With holes punched in it
I'm counting UFOs
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment I am happy
Happy
      I wish you were here...
« Incubus, "Wish You Were Here" »

Before tonight, I'd only spent four hours or so asleep since before the morning of the bad dreams. That's including the two hours during which I had those dreams. The other couple of hours were from me passing out at random the night after that. I became so drained that, this afternoon, I had to have SNAP drive me back to my room from the police station because I was afraid I'd go narcoleptic in the middle of crossing the road.

So why do I do that? Not sleep when I should? I always have the lingering fear that as soon as I fall asleep, something good'll happen and I'll miss it. The only reason I followed Lindsay's command to sleep last night was because she said she'd come wake me up when something fun was going on. Which she did. I'm very grateful.

Because it was fun. I had a couple of DNAs [kinda like alcoholic fruit-flavored seltzer], smoked a bit. Watched people play board games. From the look of it, I had more fun than I would have if I'd played. Definitely relaxing after spending this morning poring over bifurcation for my Mathematical Modeling final. [Huh. There was an unusually high number of gerunds in that sentence. Or at least words that ended in -ing.] Right. Anyway.

I wish that I could find a way
To smash my fist right
Through these walls
Of ugliness
And emptiness
And gently touch your face...
« Stabbing Westward, "So Far Away" »

This came up tonight. I'm a toucher. Physical contact doesn't really worry me. Kind of funny, given how non-adept at verbal communication I am. Or perhaps that just makes it make more sense. But hugging, lying on people, patting them on the back, etc. These things I'm comfortable with. More so than, say, saying "Congratulations" or telling someone how I feel. This makes me a clingy person.

I guess I'll go to sleep for a bit now. I figure I should pay back some of that sleep debt... with a vengeance!

12·15·01 Early Afternoon

15-DEC-2001 13:00
 
Another notable event occurred just this year when my classmate was returning home from a late-night exam study session at my off-campus apartment at around 2 a.m. He was stopped by a WPI Police officer and asked where he was going. My friend replied, "Home," to which the officer replied, "Where is home?" My friend told the officer the name of his dorm, and the officer then asked him, "Do you know who is out at 2 a.m.? I'll tell you who is out at 2 a.m. Criminals. Are you a criminal?" The student, of course, answered, "No," to which the officer replied, "Are you calling me a liar?"
« Author unknown, from Tech News, WPI's newspaper »

If the cops are good for one thing at all, it's entertainment.

12·15·01 Later That Early Afternoon

15-DEC-2001 13:15
 
I hate Christmas. There's a couple of reasons. First is the fact that it's a holiday. Actually, it's a little worse than your everyday holiday. It's the beginning of the Trinity Of Misery. [The Trinity Of Misery refers to Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's Day. I got the concept from one of the first episodes of Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place.] And yeah. Holidays are depressing times. I'm sure everyone can understand what I'm talking about there.

The other reason I hate Christmas is because of the gift-giving. Perhaps it's just me, but giving and receiving gifts out of tradition is annoying. I'd rather people give gifts because they want to, or because they saw something in a store and thought of me. That's what it's about. It's not about having to hunt crowded malls in a futile search for the perfect gift. Also, I never can think of what to get people. With family, it's one thing. When a friend gives you a gift, and yours sucks... then you just want to bury it. And when people give me something, I feel so... ungrateful. Or perhaps greedy's the word. No, it's more like I feel obligated to them. And I don't like obligation.

It's for that reason that I hate birthdays, too. [Well, additionally, birthdays are a symbol of the passage of time. And reminders of impending adulthood.] So yeah. Last year, I tried to just let it slide on by. But people got me a cake. Which was a sweet gesture, I'll admit. But I didn't know how to react to that. So I just said, "Thanks." In retrospect, I probably should have hugged them or something.

12·16·01 Very Early Morning

16-DEC-2001 00:00
 
Quite the dilemma. Lindsay wants a donut, but she doesn't want me to buy one for her, as she says this will make her feel bad. So, do I a) buy her a donut and have her be disappointed that I didn't do what she told me to do, or 2) not buy her a donut and watch her suffer through Boston Creme withdrawal? Damn it.

12·16·01 Afternoon

16-DEC-2001 15:00
 
A brief explanation. The FTP wasn't working, so that's why the update I wrote this morning around 2:45 didn't get posted until 4:30 this afternoon, when I woke up. And I didn't want to use Pico to make the update. Too much of a pain in the ass. Oh well. It got there eventually.

So I didn't get the donut... well, not yet. There's still time.

12·17·01 Very Early Morning

17-DEC-2001 00:00
 
And I swear it's the last time
And I swear it's my last try
And we'll walk in circles around this whole block
Walk on the cracks on the same old sidewalks
And we'll talk about leaving town
Yeah, we'll talk about leaving
I swear it's the last time
And I swear it's my last try...
« Less Than Jake, "Look What Happened" »

So I'm thinking about packing up and moving to Canada. Who's with me?

[insert dead silence here]

Yeah, I thought so.

... Damn it.

12·17·01 Pre-Dawn

17-DEC-2001 03:00
 
And it's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love
But I love...
« Paula Cole, "Me" »

What I am is paranoid. What I am is selfish. What I am is insecure, needy, and self-loathing. Depressed, jealous, easily annoyed, lovesick, sick of love, pathetic, lost, desperate, hurt... all of these things, I am.

12·17·01 Early Afternoon

17-DEC-2001 13:00
 
{img} My Tori Song is: 1,000 Oceans, from 'To Venus and Back'. It's a hard time for me now. I just need to wait it out. It'll get better.



{img} I'm Tony the Tiger. I'm GRRRReat at everything. Or so I think. Attention-seeking, loud and a little obnoxious, my sugar coating doesn't fool anyone.

Fascinating. Not very comforting, however.

12·18·01 Very Early Morning

18-DEC-2001 00:00
 
The little things, the little things
They always hang around
The little things, the little things
They try to break me down
The little things, the little things
They just won't go away
The little things, the little things
Make me who I am today...
« Good Charlotte, "Little Things" »

The smallest things can cut me deep. The lack of acknowledgement of a "Sorry" that I really meant. The slight jump of a person when I touch them. Knowing I creeped someone out [when that's the absolute last thing I want to do]... I had to fight to hold the tears back until people left just now... It sucks. I hate being this way. I hate myself.

Why can't I just give up and die? It'd be so much easier for everyone.

12·18·01 Morning

18-DEC-2001 09:00
 
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die...
« Everclear, "Santa Monica" »

12·18·01 Afternoon

18-DEC-2001 15:00
 
I've got a sexy girl in my bathroom! Shit, what do I do? Think, think...

Ah, crap, missed the moment.

12·19·01 Very Early Morning

19-DEC-2001 00:00
 
They say
Something I don't want to hear
Ringing like a shotgun
In my ear...
« Lit, "Something To Someone" »

"I'm not a fucking child." That's what she said to me. And I know it's true. But I still worry about her. And I'll write more. Later. I had more to say, but somewhere between Fuller 1 and my place I lost what I'd planned.

12·19·01 Early Afternoon

19-DEC-2001 13:00
 
Something has to change
Undeniable dilemma...
« Tool, "Stinkfist" »

You're right, Liam. That song works in almost any situation.

So yeah, I locked myself out of my room around 6:30 this morning. So I didn't write what I'd planned to. Let me try to bring it back into mind now.

I eventually found Lindsay. And I asked her just how mad she was at me. And to borrow words, with some slight rephrasing: She started sobbing, then I started sobbing. That's pretty much what happened. She was upset about me being possessive of her and said that sometimes she felt like property. But she understood I never meant to make her feel like that, and I just cared for her a lot. Which I do. But I also have a lack of trust in others, as well as jealousy and insecurity that I don't like to admit to.

Then Lindsay and I had a long meeting in the wedge about what we should do to avoid hurting each other. No solid ideas. But Lindsay feels a break from all [or at least most] people would do her good mentally, so that's a sort-of plan. And we'll see during/after break, I suppose.

But I worry about what it'll be like after break. I like hanging out with her, and being with her and such. And I definitely worry about her. It's not that I think she's incapable of taking care of herself. I just don't trust other people at all. But if such things cause her pain...

So it's the waiting game. ... Or Hungry Hungry Hippos!

By the way, Jeff, since you asked. Yes, Lindsay does read my site. What does she think about it? She says that what's written could be figured out from the way I act, and it's not exactly a secret. So yeah. I paraphrased once again. I think I was true to her point. Also, just giving up something isn't easy, you know. Just like girls aren't logic circuits [according to Frank], emotions don't have switches.

12·19·01 Later That Early Afternoon

19-DEC-2001 13:15
 
I know it's way too short
It rarely lasts too long
I'm just finding the floor
But when I look down, it's gone
I know it's way too short
It rarely lasts too long
I'm just finding the door
But when I turn around
When I turn around, it's gone
      It seems like today, I'm looking back
      Well, maybe tomorrow, I'll see further
      Than my little head allows me to
      I'll be cruising, then I'll crack
      Oh, something better happen
      To these feelings that I'm going through
      It seems like today, I'm looking back
      Well, maybe tomorrow, I'll see further
      Than my little head allows me to
      I'll be cruising, then I'll crack
      Oh, nothing better happen
      To these feelings that I'm going through...
« Stroke 9, "Tail Of The Sun" »

12·20·01 Very Early Morning

20-DEC-2001 00:00
 
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
      Didn't look out below
      Watch the time go right out the window
      Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
      I wasted it all just to watch you go...
« Linkin Park, "In The End" »

This update isn't from my computer, so it's been taking a while to type out. Fuckin' Pico. And the song's just been stuck in my head since I heard it... um... I can't remember when. I think it was sometime when I was in Chartwells recently.

So I'm here. Here being at Lindsay's laptop in her room. The keyboard kind of sucks, too. I keep accidentally hitting either caps lock or the touchpad and fucking up the typing. Bleh. I just decided to write something because I'm here alone and I've nothing better to do.

Why am I not at the LnL Christmas party? Because I felt sick during the movie [which turned out to be Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, kind of a disappointment], and because I realized I didn't want to be around those people. Nor did I want to go to another party. But I didn't want to be alone. And Lindsay wasn't in the happiest mood either. So we left the movie and went back to her room, where I collapsed [if I'm already dizzy and seeing things, why bother getting drunk?].

So why am I here alone? Lindsay went for a walk with Jeff. Which is cool. I know I'm boring her. But I couldn't go back to sleep. So here I am. Feeling less sick now, but the urge not to be alone is great. I don't want to leave here, though, so she doesn't think I abandoned her while she went on her walk. So I'll wait...

12·20·01 Morning

20-DEC-2001 09:00
 
How many people wanna kick some ass [I do, I do]
And how many people're sick of holding it back [I am]
Well, I am too
      So don't lay a fuckin' finger on her
      She's mine and I still want her
      If you put your hands upon her
      You're a goner, a goner
And how many people're sick of holding it back [I am, I am]
And how many people wanna kick some ass
I would if I could...
« Stroke 9, "Kick Some Ass" »

I just love that part of the song. And I'm not dedicating the quote to anyone, I'm not talking about anyone. But that part just makes me want to thrash. And I somehow got "Kick Some Ass" stuck in my head recently. And I got it stuck in Lindsay's head. Unfortunately she doesn't know the words.

But it's better than the song she had stuck in her head before, which was Nat King Cole's "Love". She knew the lines "L is for the way you look at me / O is for the only one I see / V is very very extraordinary", but couldn't remember the next line. And she kept singing it over and over. Got it stuck in my head, and the incompleteness of it annoyed me, so I looked it up for her and finished the chorus: "E is even more than anyone that you adore can love..."

But anyway, if you IM me before I leave Massachusetts, I can send you the MP3. You've got around seven hours.

12·22·01 Pre-Dawn

22-DEC-2001 03:00
 
I had a rant about girls sleeping and how they're so fuckin' cute. But I'm not going to post it. For a couple reasons. A) it would make me seem creepy. And 2) it wasn't very good. I'll just summarize. Girls are cute while asleep. Those who are cute while awake are even more so while curled up in bed.

12·22·01 Dawn

22-DEC-2001 05:00
 
So I'm in Florida. Sigh. This'll suck. Fortunately I've got my computer. So I've got something to do. Though I won't be online much, I can still write entries and sign on to post them. And there's always email. And my cellphone.

12·22·01 Early Morning

22-DEC-2001 07:00
 
Every whisper of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh, no, I've said too much
I set it up
      Consider this
      Consider this the hint of the century
      Consider this the slip
      That brought me to my knees, failed
      What if all these fantasies come flailing around
      Now, I've said too much
      I thought that I heard you laughing
      I thought that I heard you sing
      I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream...
« R.E.M., "Losing My Religion" »

12·23·01 Early Afternoon

23-DEC-2001 13:00
 
Someday
When I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel aglow
Just thinking of you
And the way you look
Tonight...
« Frank Sinatra, "The Way You Look Tonight" »

I think I can just stop there.

12·23·01 Night

23-DEC-2001 20:00
 
One might notice that times listed for posts don't really correspond to when they went up. That's because the time listed is the time that I thought of it. Which means I might have written it down while waiting on line for some attraction or something, and posted it when I got back to my computer.

So anyway. I've been thinking about innocence, and the loss of and protection of same, over the past few days. I can't quite think of how exactly I want to phrase what it is I want to say. I'm also not sure of just what I want to say. Or what I can say, comfortably. Guess I'm not as honest and straightforward as Liam thought. But sometimes restraint is the better option. Keeps uncomfortable topics from coming to light... Yeah.

Florida leaves me little to do but listen to music and watch movies on my computer. Then again, that's pretty much what I'd do at home. But anyway. Cue deluge of quotes. Well, three. Just things I've been thinking about.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
'Tis the season to be jolly
But 'cause I hate Christmas
I'm glad it only comes one time a year...
« Zebrahead, "Deck The Halls (I Hate Christmas)" »

Pretty straightforward. Christmas sucks.

"Don't you hate that?"

"Hate what?"

"Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?"

"I don't know. That's a good question."

"That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share a silence."
« Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega, Pulp Fiction »

I'm all about the awkward silences.

The first star I see
May not be
A star
We can't do a thing but wait
So let's wait
For one more...
« Jimmy Eat World, "For Me This Is Heaven" »

I'm not sure what to say about this one. Stirs up memories, I guess.

So... yeah. Can't wait 'til I'm back in Jersey.

12·24·01 Noon

24-DEC-2001 12:00
 
The panic of the future rears
You dig, you jerk
You find another way
      I don't know, but I believe in yesterday
      And what it means
      To bleed and know that you're okay...
« Our Lady Peace, "Right Behind You (Mafia)" »

The sound of falling water is interrupted periodically by the screams coming from a rollercoaster passing nearby. I'm in Universal's Islands of Adventure, sitting at the fountain outside the "Sindbad" [sic] arena. My father came over and tried to take a picture of me. Said he'd title it "Thinking of Lindsay". I shit you not.

Of course, he's right. What else would I be thinking about? At the moment, my thoughts concern the um... the object I got her just today. [I'm being vague so as not to ruin any possible surprise, in case she's reading this.] Anyway, I was thinking about whether I should give it to her for Christmas or hold it for another gift-giving occasion.

Sometimes thinking of gifts to get people is a painfully fruitless process. But sometimes it's quite the opposite. I just keep thinking of things. Lindsay's one of those latter cases. I already got her the I.A.C. shirt [she already knew about it, so no surprise there]. I don't want to get her too many things. That'd seem creepy, I think. So I'm striving for optimal gift-itude. What numbers of gifts yields the most happiness with a minimum of creepiness?

Okay, so I've been sitting here at the fountain for forty-five minutes. A crowd's formed for the "Sindbad" show. I've been asked more than once if I work here. Probably because I'm sitting here, gazing intently at the fountain, scribbling in a notebook. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Oh, right. Probably my Security shirt from Novemberfest. Yeah. But anyway. I'm getting up. Though this spot is good for the quiet contemplation. Yeah...

12·24·01 Dusk

24-DEC-2001 17:00
 
I serve my head up on a plate
It's only comfort, calling late
'Cause there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you...
« Placebo, "Every Me Every You" »

12·25·01 Early Afternoon

25-DEC-2001 13:00
 
And I drove out of east Atlanta
With a headache the size of my car
And I called to say I was okay
Anyway, 'cause I know how you are
You know, I'm like a movie without an ending
You know, I got nowhere to go
And it makes me wanna throw up
To see you wanna give up
More than you'll ever know
      All that I do
      Comes back to you
      So I'll just think about you
      'Til there's nothing in my head
      All I can do
      Is try not to screw this up again
      And just be friends
      I'd rather be dead
Everything's supposed to have a happy ending
but the record keeps skipping and the needle keeps bending
Like the road I'm driving
To the bridge that has no end
I want to take back everything that I've broken
But the bridges behind me are burning and smoking
I guess this is the end...
« Marvelous 3, "Cigarette Lighter Love Song" »

I do love that song. Oh yeah. I just had it stuck in my head all fuckin' day. So I'm standing in lines, whispering it to myself over and over. I wonder if I creeped people out. I hope I did.

12·26·01 Very Early Morning

26-DEC-2001 00:00
 
Well, I see him on the TV
Preachin' 'bout the promised lands
He tells me, believe in Jesus
Steals the money from my hands...
« Poison, "Something To Believe In" »

This Christmas was... average, I guess. Re-affirms that feeling of mine, that I'm a waste.

I see my mother
Watch her dream just smother...
« D Generation, "No Way Out" »

Right. That reminds me. By the time we get back to Jersey, my grades'll have arrived. And we'll see just how much of a waste I was the last few months. I just don't feel the urge to succeed. I haven't got anything that really inspires me, or that I'm interested in. The only thing that I'm sure I want to be when I grow up is... steady. "Stable" is more the word I'm looking for. But I didn't want to make an unintentional reference. Not that I don't like that song. Oh, whatever.

12·26·01 Early Morning

26-DEC-2001 07:00
 
"Doesn't it suck when people try to help you fit in but, in doing so, they put you in your own subgroup?"
« A girl in my dream »

I had a vivid dream last night. Uh, it was vivid at the time, anyway. Can't remember most of it. Sucks.

The one part I do remember is the part when I went to what looked like the old WPI Bookstore [back when it was in Daniels]. I was returning a TI-83. The shelves were all empty for some reason. And the girl at the register and I talked for a bit about fitting in. She said the quote above. I responded with "What?" She was about to explain, or cite an example, but while she was deliberating, I got woken up by my mother.

Sucks.

12·26·01 Afternoon

26-DEC-2001 15:00
 
You have found: "Item 3".

12·26·01 Night

26-DEC-2001 20:00
 
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care...
« Offspring, "Self Esteem" »

I think this falls under needing better social skills. Right? Yeah...

12·26·01 Late Night

26-DEC-2001 22:00
 
Ever since I was a child
You always said that I
Should understand the rules
You take some and give less
Sit high above the rest
Don't you
      As I ask a simple question
      Cuts me off with his reply
      He's been practicing for decades
      And now he thinks I have the time
      He flows in and out of riddles
      Looking me straight in the eye
      But it seems like something's missing
      From the days
      When he was more my size...
« 8Stops7, "Question Everything" »

So my father and I are standing in line for Space Mountain. For an hour. He asks how my grades've been this year. "Not great," I say. And then we go over my lack of motivation. This eventually becomes him spouting off majors and occupations and me going over how I'm not interested in them. Yay.

[This entry edited for brevity and to make less sense.]

12·28·01 Very Early Morning

28-DEC-2001 00:00
 
This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches
Push it...
« Garbage, "Push It" »

I don't want to disappoint. I don't really have anything to write about. Listening to "Rush" [woo, Big Audio Dynamite II!] just made me think about how I'd do things differently if I had the chance to relive my past.

I'm going to take a couple pulls off the bottle of Jack Daniel's... maybe that'll help the creative process.

Ah... there's that nice, warm feeling. Okay... so... what would I change? I think I'd have been better off having never gone ahead and skipped grades. In some ways. But I wouldn't have met most of the people I know now. In some cases, that'd be good. But I wouldn't have met ... well, all my friends that I can think of.

It's all so unpredictable. There are some things I would have definitely done differently, knowing what I know now. Certain relationships wouldn't have gone the way they've went. A certain girl might not be a lesbian. Hell, I might still be with her now. Unlikely. The distance issue was kind of ever-present.

There's things I remember, and things I forget
I miss you, I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could...
« Counting Crows, "Raining In Baltimore" »

Actually, it was more like five thousand miles. A little less. [4953.03, to be more accurate.] But anyway, there's a few things I'd change. I'll be that vague. Everyone has plenty of words they wish they hadn't said to certain people, or ones they wish they had. I'm no different, in that aspect.

Definitely feeling the effects. Ah, shit, I've still got to pack. And take my computer apart. I guess I'll do that, then pass out on the couch. Yeah. Catch you on the flipside.

12·28·01 Pre-Dawn

28-DEC-2001 03:00
 
{img} If I were a video game character I would be A Thrust Ship. {img} If I were a video game character I would be An Asteroid.

I am a Thrust-ship.
I am small and tricky—where you think I am, I probably am not. I can work very fast, but I tend to go about things in a round-about way, which often leaves me effectively standing still. I hate rocks. Bloody rocks.

If I were not a Thrust-ship I would be an Asteroid.
I am a drifter. I go where life leads, which makes me usually a very calm and content sort of person. That, or thoroughly apathetic. Usually I keep on doing whatever I'm doing, and it takes something special to make me change my mind.



{img} I am Jhonen.

I am Jhonen!
Okay, so I'm almost never in the show. But I write the gah damn show! My most famous appearance was choking on a piranna.



{img} Bethany

I am...Bethany from Dogma!
I must really hate myself. I'm cynical and self-loathing, the epitome of the Prozac poster child. No guy in his right mind would touch me with a ten foot pole. I've had some odd adventures in my day and hopefully, in the future one of my strange journeys will lead me to a tiny shred of happiness...or at least a good shrink. Poopy train.



{img} I am Owl. Always full of stories and facts, I love to talk about my experiences. I don't always have the right information and I tend to talk too much.



{img} I'm a tortured and humiliated squirrel. Someone please shoot me. I beg you.

I got a little behind in my online quiz-taking.

12·28·01 Dawn

28-DEC-2001 05:00
 
Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if that's good enough
For someone else
      It just takes some time
      Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
      Everything, everything'll be just fine
      Everything, everything'll be alright, alright...
« Jimmy Eat World, "The Middle" »

That is a good song. And the video is very cute.

So, instead of packing, guess what I've been doing. ... Besides masturbation. That's right, online tests.

{img} Tomato: I am indecisive and sometimes pretend to be something I am not. I am unpredictable.

Strawberry: 
Pear: 
Banana: 
Tomato: 
Lemon: 
20/100
20/100
10/100
30/100
20/100



{img} I am Mr. Pink. I can be a bit of a bitch, but I like to keep it real. It's about professionalism.



{img} If I was an evil criminal, I would be Charles Manson, the Beach Boys' favourite serial killer.

Mad as a hatter and friend of Beach Boy Dennis Wilson, I believe that the Beatles song Helter Skelter is indicative of a coming race war, where the "blackies" will win. I also consider myself a talented folksinger.

I have amassed a group of female followers known as The Family, who perform killings for me and look upon me as if I was Jesus Christ. I have sex with each and every one of them, and encourage them to have sex with each other, but they're most famous for killing pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

I can proudly tell the world that I wrote a Beach Boys song and killed Roman Polanski's wife.

12·29·01 Afternoon

29-DEC-2001 15:00
 
It's everything that's cool rolled into one
Everything that's not is left alone
You can hear it ring from near and far
You can hear it scream like a fire alarm...
« Gin Blossoms, "Virginia" »

So I'm on I-95, near the northern end of the Virginia stretch of it. Exits 169 A and B, to be more exact. Well, there they go. Oh well.

12·29·01 Night

29-DEC-2001 20:00
 
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on
      A new beginning
      A reason for living
      A deeper meaning
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me...
« Savage Garden, "Truly Madly Deeply" »

So why am I listening to that? Just call me masochistic.

I try not to make promises that I don't know I can keep. At least I do nowadays.

Sorry for the ones I've already broken. And the ones I keep breaking to this day.

Sorry.

12·30·01 Pre-Dawn

30-DEC-2001 03:00
 
Now here I go, hope I don't break down
I won't take anything, I don't need anything
Don't want to exist, I can't persist
Please stop before I do it again
      Just talk about nothing
      Let's talk about nothing
      Let's talk about no one
      Please talk about no one
      Someone, anyone
You and me have a disease
You affect me, you infect me
I'm afflicted, you're addicted
You and me, you and me
      I'm on the edge, get against the wall
      I'm so distracted, I love to strike you
      Here's my confession, you learned your lesson
      Stop me before I do it again
Just talk about nothing
Let's talk about nothing
Let's talk about no one
Please talk about no one
Someone, anyone
      You and me have a disease
      You affect me, you infect me
      I'm afflicted, you're addicted
      You and me, you and me
You're clear
As a heavy lead curtain
Want to drill you
Like an ocean
We can work it out
I've been running out
Now I'm running out
Don't be mad about it, baby
      You and me have a disease
            [You and me have a disease]
      I want to tie you, crucify you
            [You affect me, you infect me]
      Kneel before you, revile your body
            [I'm afflicted, you're addicted]
      You and me are made in heaven
            [You and me have a disease]
      I want to take you, I want to break you
            [You affect me, you infect me]
      Supplicate [suffocate] you, with thorny roses
            [I'm afflicted, you're addicted]
      You and me are incurable
            [You and me have a disease]
      I want to bathe you in holy water
            [You affect me, you infect me]
      I want to kill you upon the altar
            [I'm afflicted, you're addicted]
      You and me, you and me...
            [You and me, you and me...]
« Bad Religion, "Infected" »

That last part's one of those those things that just doesn't transcribe well. Listen to it.

And interpret as you wish.

12·30·01 Later That Pre-Dawn

30-DEC-2001 03:15
 
Yep. Definitely a great shift in the quotes-to-writing ratio.

12·30·01 Dusk

30-DEC-2001 17:00
 
So my sister and I were at the liquor store just now. She was buying for the New Years thing my friends are I are having. We're at the register. I'm giving my sister money. Neither of us gets carded. Weird.

Girl at the register probably just didn't care. She was cute, too.

Just finished hiding everything. Oh yeah. This will be good. Oh, so I don't forget, I'll put it here. $57.71 total.

... Heh. My parents never read my site.

12·30·01 Early Evening

30-DEC-2001 19:00
 
Enoch Root (7:18:35 PM): ...Ever want someone to know you, but were scared of their reaction? I guess that's a dumb question, since I think I already know the answer.
Lindswrigh (7:19:00 PM): i'm not sure what you mean by that, but i think so, yes
Enoch Root (7:19:22 PM): I mean, you wanted to tell them something about yourself, to give them a more complete picture.
Lindswrigh (7:19:37 PM): ah. yes. absolutely
« Me and Lindsay Wright »

Sometimes I'm comforted by the fact that people care for me. But then I think some more, and I realize that the person they care about isn't the complete me. It's just a facet... or in some cases, multiple facets. That's what they know of me. No one's got the complete picture. Except me. And what I feel towards myself isn't exactly friendly.

But anyway, there're plenty of things I've kept hidden. Things that I'm really ashamed of. I don't think people would feel the same about me if they really knew me. I'll be less of a fence-rider. I think if people knew me, they'd hate me as much as I hate myself.

12·31·01 Very Early Morning

31-DEC-2001 00:00
 
So I was writing something... and I realized I went in a big circle. Oh well.

Is it a bad sign when you need to take a drink just to stop your hands from shaking?

Assuming WPI's network decides to cooperate in time, Happy New Years. If it doesn't, well, belated Happy New Years. Don't expect too much postin' from me later. I might be in bad shape.

12·31·01 Dusk

31-DEC-2001 17:00
 
Hey, don't help me off the floor
I got here by myself
Whiskey sours and happy hours
I know every bottle on the shelf
      Sleepless nights and dumb street fights
      Jose paves the way
      You should pack up all your stuff
      And move out to L.A.
[Cornered] It's just a game
[Cornered] And I'm insane
[Cornered] I don't wanna feel the pain...
      Wakes up somehow, every day
      And hear those backbones crunch
      But he's right here, drinkin' a beer
      And he ain't had no lunch
I'm on the wagon now
But I'm off the wall
I'm beepin' beeps again
I'm waiting for a call
And baby, you're not you
And I'm not me at all
Someday it's gotta stop
      [Cornered] It's just a game
      [Cornered] And I'm insane
      [Cornered] I don't wanna feel the pain...
My dreams, I don't remember them
I gotta tie my shoes again
And every day it's still the same
I'm just a little more insane
Watching my life
Go down the drain
      One for you and two for me
      We need a better place to be
      I'm in and out, I'm up and down
      I've been to every spot in town
      And now I'm six feet
      Underground
[Cornered] It's just a game
[Cornered] And I'm insane
[Cornered] I don't wanna feel the pain...
      [Cornered] Feel my pain
      [Cornered] Feel my pain
      [Cornered] Feel my pain...
« D Generation, "Cornered" »

12·31·01 Early Evening

31-DEC-2001 19:00
 
{img} My New Year's resolution should be to seduce as many people as possible. Smooch.



{img} I am: Alice from Alice In Wonderland.

I'm just a girl; I tend to get frustrated easily, I daydream quite a bit, and I try to avoid making trouble, though curiosity always gets the better of me. Even under tight circumstances, however, I put aside [some of] my fear and figure out what's the best thing to do. I want a better understanding of my world.