affectation.log

My last night in Salem, Virginia.  Nothing happened.  Jon and Lacy and I spent the night watching movies in Lacy's dorm room and drinking.  Me moreso than them, Jon with the driving in the morning and Lacy just not in the mood.  We watched Jerry Maguire and Wonder Boys, in that order.  [I'd bought the former a couple days ago at FYE and Lacy dug up the latter in her drawer o' movies.]

At some point during Wonder Boys, Lacy's friend Katy called.  Now, Carrie was hanging out with Katy tonight.  They'd gone to see some movie.  Katy asks if Lacy wants to come over, drink, and watch some Survivor that they taped.

I'm just sitting there, staring, hoping Lacy acts on impulse and decides to go for it.  Because by now I've totally developed full-on crush for Carrie.  Which, I'd imagine, was Lacy's intent.

But no.  We sit around, finish Wonder Boys.  Afterwards Lacy and I go sit on the front porch of her dorm and talk a little.  Then we go for a walk and she shows me the door she broke down last year in a blind rage.  Hardcore.

And then we go to visit Katy.  It's two in the morning.  The call came around eleven.  Amazingly, Katy's still awake; she's studying for a quiz, I believe.  And doing laundry.  And watching The People vs. Larry Flynt.  But she's by herself; ain't no one else there.  My hopes are on a rollercoaster.

Lacy and I hang out there for a while, help Katy with her laundry, and leave.

This is the most drunk I've gotten this break.  Which is kind of sad, because it's not really that drunk at all.  There was no rowdiness, no real happenings this break, the last spring break of my college career.  Makes it all seem so pointless.

I wanted to go for a walk around the block, and see what happened to me.  Maybe I'd get lynched for not being white.  That was my sort-of intent after Wonder Boys, before Lacy decided to show me around a bit.  Really, I just wanted to take a walk and see what happened.

Maybe I'd end up lost on her campus.  Maybe I'd just collapse in the street.  Maybe I'd stumble into a party, or something.  I don't know.  I just wanted something to happen.  Something besides what I knew would be the inevitable conclusion to my night: me, sitting here alone in the dark, illuminated by the LCD screen of Jon's laptop, typing about what I wish would happen to me.

I'd hoped that when I stopped being a teenager I'd lose the teenaged angst.  Unfortunately, this has not been the case.

I'm twenty.  Quarter-life crisis time.  More frequently these days I get the feeling that time's running out on me.  That I have to get my shit together, pick my path and walk it.  Find a girl, find a passion, find a career.  I'm zero for three at the moment.  Nothing drives me; nothing moves me.  I drop whatever I'm doing for any girl who shows the least interest in me.  And if I am interested in a girl, I express myself in the most asinine ways.

I am totally on my way.

I don't want to go to sleep, but there's nothing else to do.  I could drink myself the rest of the way, but I really don't want to sit here in the dark drinking straight vodka.  And that's what I'd do, because I'm too lazy to find anything to mix it with.

No, I guess I'll just lie down and pray for unconsciousness.


That reminds me.  Last night, Lacy and Jon and I went out to the local bar with Carrie and Katy and Jen.  Lacy had contrived to seat me and Carrie next to each other and I had pre-gamed [and was gaming] myself to a relatively happy place.  As we sat there Train's "Calling All Angels" came on.  After I got blasted for liking the song, against the popular opinion of the table, I rambled for a bit about how, despite not believing in God or the divinity of Christ, I found the concept of angels comforting.  I doubt anyone cared; I doubt anyone was even listening to me.


I also remember a couple nights ago, yelling along to this song when it played on Lacy's stereo.  How appropriate.

In Wonder Boys there were a couple times where Michael Douglas' character just passed out and woke up to someone above him.  Staring at an angel statue and passing out made it become the face of his love interest gazing down on him...  I'll just stare into the black and hope I wake up to something other than the ceiling or Jon hovering over me, telling me to get my shit together so we can leave.