12·04·01 Very Early Morning

04-DEC-2001 00:00
I feel like screaming. If I thought it would help anything, I would. Instead I sit here, with a blank sheet of paper that was supposed to be my physics exam. So what's the problem? I realized I don't understand what the fuck happens inside the cylinder. And if I have ideas, I can't back them up mathematically.

So I'm just sitting here, going, what happens if I fail this exam? Well, my parents'll be disappointed. And I'll be disappointed. Because I have no real drive to succeed except to not waste their money. And last term, I wasted thousands of dollars failing two of my three classes. Overall, that means I've wasted one full term's worth of tuition and housing and all that other shit. Am I even worth the investment?

I want to just drop out and run off. Or shoot myself in the head. But I don't think I even have the balls to do something like that. So I'll keep living like a cowardly shit.

I don't want to fail. And I don't want to burden others. And I don't want to be lonely forever. But I am, and I am, and I probably will be.

Right now I can't tell if my monitor's fucked up or my crying's blurred my vision that bad. After some messing with the monitor I think it's not just my problem. But I'm in not very good shape right now. So I think I'll head to sleep. Or something.

Randall: "So you'll continue being miserable all the time, just because you don't have the guts to face change?"
Dante: "My mother told me once that, when I was three, my potty lid was closed. And instead of lifting it, I chose to shit my pants."
Randal: "Lovely story."
Dante: "Point is, I'm not the kind of person that disrupts things in order to shit comfortably."
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