11·28·01 Very Early Morning

28-NOV-2001 00:00
Spin my head around
For a different view
You can't look straight ahead
To see what's in front of you
      If you jump track
      Thinkin' it's over
      Remember, sooner or later
      It's over your shoulder
« Seven Mary Three, "Over Your Shoulder" »

I hate being helpless. I hate seeing people I care about hurt. I hate knowing that if I wasn't so fucking inept, I might actually make them feel better instead of making them feel worse.

I saw Mr. Saturday Night while I was at home. And it kind of hit close to home, perhaps unintentionally. I saw Billy Crystal's character, Buddy, try to make people close to him laugh by insulting them jokingly. And I realized that's the sort of shit I do. And it's not exactly endearing. But it's all I know. Well, that or self-deprecating humor. And lately I've been going heavy on that, too.

So, needless to say
I'm odds and ends, but that's me
Stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is okay
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry
« A-Ha, "Take On Me" »

Shit. I went off on a tangent. Well, sort of. Oh. That was the inital point of this post. A few friends of mine are down. And with all of them, I pretty sure I know where they're coming from, but I don't know what to say. One friend's unhappy in a relationship, and I was in almost exactly his situation a while back. Same reasons. I just hope he handles it better than I did and the situation resolves better for him.

And another friend... well... I don't want to be presumptuous and be wrong and totally misunderstand and have her be mad at or upset with me. But I think, I theorize that she feels that she's losing people or she's about to. Because said people won't "tolerate" her anymore. ["Tolerate" wasn't used by her, but I'm putting it in quotes because I'm not sure if that's really the right word to describe what I'm talking about.] Well, I think I know what's she talking about, too. Like [I'm really reaching for the words, here]... sometimes I'm with people and I feel like I'm on the outside, and my presence is just unneeded... and you just talk about the past [sometimes dredging up memories from out of nowhere], because you believe reminding them of where you've been re-affirms the bond. Okay, maybe that's not what she means and I'm totally wrong. But I think I've just now put my finger on the reason why I do that. I re-affirm the bond because I want moments like the past to happen again in the future, because the present isn't doing it for me. Well... shit, I don't think that was helpful at all.

The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest.
« Calvin, Calvin And Hobbes »

Okay... she wonders why bother trying if shit happens anyway. Yes, shit happens. And Calvin's right, but not totally. There's a certain satisfaction when you help others. Self-interest may be alright, but if you have someone to share good times with, it's better. But the live-for-the-moment sentiment is golden. Perhaps "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" is closer to the mark. [It's such a common saying that I don't have a definite source. People I've seen it credited to include Shakespeare, Epicurus, Imhotep, and Paul [the apostle]. Anyone who suggests to me that the original source was Dave Matthews is a fucking moron.] But anyway, mostly have fun at all costs, with a certain amount of effort put into survival [in order to have more fun in the future] and altruism [so there's someone to have fun with]. I guess that's my aspiration. Do I make sense?